When it comes to severing ties with those you hold nearest and dearest to your
sack heart, you gotta weigh up your options. I had considered the Something About Mary home vasectomy kit, but when it comes to frank’n’beans, I opt for something a little less tearful to the eye and prefer to not end in the phrase, “We got a bleeder!”
And being the open-minded fella that I am, I went with an Open-ended vasectomy.
Which sounds like wrestling two garden hoses as they spray haphazardly out your trousers. Open-ended actually means the tubes are cut off and only one end is tied off. Your body still continues to produce sperm but it’s absorbed back into your body within 15 seconds. Kind of like when you dribble soup down your chin and quickly suck it back in before it drips on your cargo pants. Minus the slurping sound. It’s quick and scalpel-free. Best of all, I have a fully legitimate reason for literally being, SELF-ABSORBED.
And my practitioner of choice…
True dat! Dr Nicholas Demediuk (aka Dr Snip®), has performed over 20,000 vasectomies (and I thought I met a lot of ‘dicks’ in my profession). So he can pretty much do this with his eyes closed (but thankfully, doesn’t).
It all begins at home the night before when I have to shave my own ‘region’. A little whipper-snip and back burning to bring the manscape back to bare. There’s a reason you don’t take selfies when you’re shaving for a vasectomy. None of the angles do you any favours. Oh, the indignity. I don’t think I breathed during the whole ordeal.
Come game-day and a plaque on the wall reads, ‘Carpe Scrotum’ which if you know your Latin, is somewhat less than comforting (Seize the Scrotum). Man, I hope that’s a serving suggestion and not a direct order. Sounds like the Spartans war cry from ‘300’. However, Dr Nick assures me it’s less painful than going to the dentist, but then again, I never had a dentist pull teeth out through my scrotum.
Nurse Gabrielle talks me through the procedure and as I sit butt naked on the table, she asks if I could sit in the operating room instead of the foyer? Less invasive for those still waiting to come in. It’s a strange feeling to be the only person in the room with no pants on, especially when two of those people are not your wife. Like it’s an everyday thing to them, except in their 20,000 cases, it is. Now for the part I was dreading the most…the needle in the haystack. Surprisingly, it was just a tiny sting and thank god he didn’t say, “Just a little prick”, coz…thems fightin’ words, am I right fellas?
I barely feel a thing and before I know it things are well underway. It’s a pretty casual environment, just three friends shootin’ the breeze. Only, one of them has no pants on and the other two huddle over his tackle like warming their hands on a fire. I say that because at one point I figured I might grab myself a little looksee, but when there’s smoke coming from your testes, you don’t really want to look anyway.
Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking… that’s me drifting off to my ‘happy place’.
The whole thing goes off without a hitch…or a stitch for that matter. The entire procedure is done through a tiny slit. The wires are pulled out, severed, sealed and returned to their place of origin like a demolition expert diffusing a bomb. Hmm, which is it? The red wire or the blue wire? I guess Dr Snip knows what he’s talking about because it didn’t go off in his face…(did I really just write that?).
The slit heals in a day or two. The actual procedure itself is considered only ‘minor’ surgery. Though I don’t know why they call it minor, I am over 40. I haven’t been a minor in over 30 years! Completely done and dusted in under 10 mins, under local anaesthetic and you can even drive yourself home afterwards.
Considering how at ease the team at Dr Snip® made me feel and how effortless Dr Nick performed the procedure, I wondered why anyone would ever have to do this under full anaesthesia with stitches and everything. In fact, I imagine by the time he knocks up 40,000 on the clock he’ll be doing it via drive-thru. “Want fries with that?”
It’s a few hours into recovery time at home now and I did have some familiar kick-to-the-groin stomach pain that any guy who ever copped one to the nads has experienced in their lifetime, but seems to have dissipated some time ago. In 12 weeks time I have to take a test to find out how successful it all went.
Go home, relax, no strenuous exercise and after a couple days have as much sex as you can over the next 12 weeks.
Factually, these are Doctor’s orders every man dreams of and want to follow to the letter (look, I’ve got a Doctor’s note goddamit!), but ironically, if you read my previous post, l might have to do all the work myself.
Too soon? Ouch… I think so.
If you’re looking to get a vasectomy of your very own, Dr Snip® operates out of two surgeries. In Keysborough, Vic and The Gold Coast, Qld. Make an appointment and view the full list of detailed services, costs and procedures here.