The 40YrOldDad

April 21

SCHOOL IS…OUT!

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Pre-Natal Classes, Thoughts
3 Comments

21
APR

Had our final Prenatal Childbirth Class today, which means school is…OUT!

And boy…did we learn some lessons.

Topics we covered included different ways of inducing births. Who would have guessed that a crochet needle, could also be used to break somebody’s water? (I will be forever suspicious of Grannies knitting booties in the foyer.)

The side-splitting walkthrough of a cesarian. (Which incidentally, is NOT the thirteenth Zodiac sign), but does include a bleeding goat and an altar.

The complex and amazing subject of breast feeding. (I’m a guy…it’s always about the boobs) 🙂

I’m all for expressing an opinion, but expressing milk?…That’s a whole other matter.

BTW: Did you realise we’re the only mammals on the planet that gives birth to our young and then feeds it milk from a completely different mammal? Although, as far as mammals go, I guess cows were a smarter choice. Imagine if we milked whales! Not only would it be damned near impossible to grip your hands around the teat, but how would you keep the bucket from floating away underneath it? Plus, it’s pretty hard to hold your breath and suckle at the same time. (more…)
April 14

SCHOOL IS…IN

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Pre-Natal Classes, Thoughts, Tips
1 Comment

14
APR

Schnitzel hits the big 3-0!

30 Weeks and doing well.

And for us, it means…school is in! (New for me, but old news for my lovely wife…she is a school teacher after all).

But this is school…with a difference. The kind of school that’s mandatory to watch videos of naked women, where sleeping in class is encouraged (why else would they ask you to bring in two pillows?) and instead of a diploma, you get a placenta. That’s right, I’m talking about…

Child Birthing Classes!

Or…“How to scare the living sh*t out of yourself, without really trying”.

This is the business end of the stick folks. Here’s my down-on-all-fours, nitty gritty, Top 10 ways to scare you and your partner into thinking, “what the hell have we got ourselves into?”

#10 – Epidurals: A javelin jammed in your spine to make the badman (pain), go away.

#9 – Six different massage positions designed to help ease pain and discomfort during the 2nd stage of labour (and coincidentally, the very same positions that got us into this situation in the first place).

#8 – Describing birthing pain as…indescribable. (Oh goody, put me down for two, then).

#7 – The birthing room is, “no place for jokes”. (Come on, you’re killin’ me, here!). (more…)
April 1

GIVING BIRTH TIPS

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Tips
2 Comments

1
APR

In a spooky coincidence, back in 2005, I was part of a sketch comedy show on Channel 31 called Public Holiday.

With some incredibly valuable tips on…

Giving Birth: A man’s guide on what NOT to do.

Featuring me, as “Dr Phil Maballzac”.

(Thanks to my friend Mat Jones at I.M.P. Enterprises for permission to use this footage)

Honestly honey, how bad could it be? Hopefully nowhere near as bad as this.

Please enjoy and feel free to comment 🙂 (more…)
March 31

SHOWTIME!

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester
1 Comment

31
MAR

Week 28 which officially marks our transition into the 3rd and final trimester.

(Yay! Scary, scary, scary…YAY!!)

And what better way to celebrate, than a journey to the place where parents fear to tread. Where information and innovation overwhelms the senses and empties out the wallets. Where fear, trepidation and 8-foot Bananas roam free. The point of no return…

The Melbourne Baby & Toddler Show

Holy cow! If I thought my earlier visit to the Baby Train superstore was information overload, get the Ajax and the Spray’n’Wipe ready ’cause daddy just exploded!

The latest gadgets, gizmos, safety and advice on how to have kids, what to do with them, how to keep them safe and how to keep them entertained once they’re out. Information on Cord Blood harvesting (did that lady seem a little pale to you and keep avoiding the sunlight?) and even a multi-level Pram obstacle course to test your skills as a potential would-be perambulator-er. (more…)
March 24

SECRET MAN’S BUSINESS

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Thoughts
2 Comments

24
MAR

Week 27 and the realisations of expecting a boy are really starting to filter through my mind.

A lot of his lessons in life, will rest squarely on my shoulders. Things like…

I’m going to have to teach him how to use…public toilets.

Navigating the minefield of disgusting unsanitary hazards of neanderthals, whose care for basic human hygiene is as carefree as a six year old running through a lawn sprinkler. Learning the difference between a urinal and a hand basin (my younger brother made that fatal mistake around the age or 4 or 5). How to avoid stepping in other people’s “puddles” and avoiding stray pubic hairs and droplets on the seat. Laying paper on the seat before you sit and try not to panic when the toilet water splashes up against your undercarriage. Never look at another man’s junk and most importantly, don’t eat the urinal cakes…they’re not lollies.

And it doesn’t stop there. There’s also… (more…)
March 10

IF YOU BUILD IT, HE WILL COME

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Thoughts
2 Comments

10
MAR

Never before has my life had even an inkling of baby stuff in it.

And may I point out, my replica Delorean with flashing lights and sound effects, my remote controlled Dalek, my Superman money box and my miniature Tardis that flashes just before my mobile phone goes off…

Are not baby stuff…okay!!

They are MAN things, in a MAN’s room…

(Okay, maybe the stuffed Daffy Duck plush toy is a little bit…”nyeah?”)

But they’re the representation and culmination of lifelong dreams of a MAN…(this man, in particular). And may I also point out that they are high on a shelf well out the way of fiendish little fingers (yes, my wife can’t reach them)…or little schnitzel chicken fingers, once they arrive.

But now, just like an infestation of termites, the baby stuff creeps its way in slowly but surely. (more…)
February 26

CRAMPING MY STYLE

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Body Functions
1 Comment

26
FEB

Week 23 and it’s at this point, I discover two things:

My wife has to now reassess her spatial awareness, and I have…a new job.

Dribbling food down the front of your shirt was hazardous in the past, and even more so, if you have a beach ball in front of you.

Which is why you should avoid the sworn enemy of the clean flowy skirt…

“The hot jam donut”

For a man, it’s pretty easy to lean forward and miss your shirt entirely. For a woman, once you clear the Himalayas, you’re pretty much in the clear. But now that you’ve added the extension to the front room, not even the hot-shoe-shuffle is gymnastics enough to avoid looking like the latest victim of a Wes Craven slasher flick, as you waddle slowly into the ladies room with jam down your arm and what looks like, an alien exploded out of your chest.

Soon, we’ll have to attach those little flags to the edge of her belly so she can see where it ends.

(more…)
February 12

TWENTY-ONE TODAY…TWENTY-ONE TODAY!

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Thoughts
2 Comments

12
FEB

Can’t believe our little schnitzel is growing up so fast. It seemed like only yesterday he was just an egg, now he’s suddenly 21…

Weeks! (that is).

It’s about now, my mind clicks into overdrive!

We’re creating a whole human being…from nothing!

This is the kind of stuff, that “God” person, wrote about in that really old book, what was it…

“Where Do Babies Come From?“

Now’s the time for weird thoughts to start creeping into my head. Thoughts like…

Am I god? God is the creator, I created, therefore…I AM GOD!

Then my beautiful angel reminds me…

“Ah, you know we’re having a baby, right? It’s not all about you!” (more…)
February 7

IT’S A SCHNITZEL!!

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, In the Womb, Ultrasound
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7
FEB

That’s right folks…we’re having a boy!

I was going to video our reactions when we got to peek in the oven and find out just Who’s Cooking, but I was way too nervous with excitement to film it. As you can clearly tell…

The wonder of technology nowadays is astounding. Being able to see a 3D version of what the baby looks like, and we didn’t even have to wear those stupid 3D glasses. I kind of feel a bit foolish for bringing mine…and wearing them! (But then, I should never have left my driving glasses at home).

Everything looks just great! Everything in tact; fingers, toes, facial features all present and accounted for and most importantly, all in the right place. And inside, everything is going according to plan; brain, kidneys, heart…the kid’s a natural.

And there’s no denying he’s a schnitzel, alright. On account of his little Wiener. (more…)
February 5

LIVE AND KICKING!

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester
No Comments

5
FEB

The Midwives told us we could expect to feel kicking around Week 20.

Today is Week 20 and at 7.51am on this lazy Sunday morning, my beautiful bride takes my hand, places it firmly on her belly and…

Touchdown!

Whoa! Right on schedule…

Nothing quite prepares you for the first time you feel your schnitzel/elle kick!

I just hope our schnitzel/elle doesn’t pop out into the world and be like…

“Oh sorry, I thought I had two mothers? What, with the high pitched squeals and all.”

Yes. I squealed like a girl. In one tiny instant, a fully grown man had suddenly become… (more…)