The 40YrOldDad

June 24

ARE WE THERE YET?

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Thoughts
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24
JUN

Week 40 and today is…

the DAY!!!

…maybe?

We’re all primed and ready. The nursery is good to go, the change table is stocked to capacity, the car seat’s installed and the bags are all packed. Only one thing missing…

The baby!

The oven timer has officially gone off, but the light must be out inside the oven because there’s just no way we can see inside to see if he’s done. Well, nothing that doesn’t involve a snorkel, a penlight and some swimming goggles at least. And sitting between her legs waving a rattle or jiggling keys has no effect on him whatsoever, but does make the other customers in the chemist checkout, a little squeamish.

And then of course, there’s the aches and pains, the shortness of breath and constant moaning to deal with.

Not hers…mine.

Damn head cold (which is why we were at the chemist in the first place). There were a couple of niggling pains this morning when we were there (which did get me momentarily excited!!!), but nothing beyond that.

So, we’re still at home playing the waiting game. We’ve tried plenty of advice for bringing him on. Walking around, crawling on all fours, acupressure ’til my fingers went numb, raspberry leaf tea and even SEX. (more…)
June 22

INCIDENT REPORT

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Thoughts
1 Comment

22
JUN

I received this message today from my lovely wife.

It was way too funny not to share.

Hello beautiful husband,
I am not allowed to message you at work in case you think I am going into labour, but I need to tell you something before you come home, so here’s hoping you check Facebook …..
There may have been an incident at home today … in which some of your chocolate went missing ….
I blame the baby.
Love you 🙂
xxx
June 17

RIPLEY’S BELIEVE IT OR NOT

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, In the Womb, Thoughts
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17
JUN

Week 39 and only 7 days to go!!

Although, statistically speaking, only 5% of babies arrive on time. 75% usually arrive late and the remaining 20% early. So, it’s hard to know just how he’s keeping time exactly. Whether he’s going by Daylight Savings, Greenwich Meantime or my wife’s biological clock. It would make everything so much easier if he could just schedule something in, so we can adjust ourselves accordingly. It’s like receiving a package from TOLL DIRECT, when they ring you before hand and say, “your package will be delivered sometime between June 16 and July 4th…between the hours of 9am and 11pm.” Oh, great…perfect!

On top of that, my lovely wife has battled a dreadful cold, all week. Prepping us both for sleep deprivation. Up all night coughing, standing over the laundry basket in case she coughs a little too hard…and shoots the little tacker out!

(Okay, that may not exactly be true) BUT…she did dream last night that she was actually having the baby and she could see the head sticking out! We had to drive to the hospital while it called out directions from the GPS! (Okay, once again, I made up the part about the GPS)…BUT…she did dream it was coming and had to try and hold it back in.

He’s getting very active now, and because he’s getting bigger every day, whenever he moves around inside my wife’s belly, it’s like it moves her whole body.

Which makes me wonder about how cool it would be if babies could actually control your entire body when they’re in the womb. Kind of like Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) inside her hydraulic exoskeleton in the movie, Aliens. (more…)
June 17

WORD OF THE WEEK

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Thoughts, Tips
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17
JUN

It’s amazing how many new words pop into your vocabulary when you’re expecting to become a dad. And you never know where these words are going to come from.

It’s been such a learning experience and I learned a brand new word the other day…

“Infanticide.”

What a cool word…“infanticide”. I thought, that must be when kids dream of what they want to be when they grow up.

“What are you doing little Johnny?”

“I’m infanticiding about being a Policeman when I grow up.”

“Oh, how cute.”

But… (more…)
June 16

BIRTH OF A COMEDIAN

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Thoughts
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16
JUN

Week 39, and only 8 days until our schnitzel’s scheduled arrival.

I cast my mind back to 5 years ago, when I performed this improvised opening to a show I did in Mornington, Victoria.

Hopefully for our little bloke, his arrival will be somewhat less traumatic.

I couldn’t imagine anything more embarrassing than my wife giving birth live on stage before a crowd of laughing strangers…(other than being married to me, of course).

Cue Barbara Streisand: “Memories…”

Or dare I say…Prophesy?

For all our sakes, I hope NOT. (more…)
June 12

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Thoughts
1 Comment

12
JUN

Week 38 and only two weeks to go!!

Although, realistically, he could arrive at any moment. But at this point, he doesn’t look like budging even though my wife’s belly looks like bursting! It’s kind of like reverse hide-and-go-seek. Where, we know exactly where he’s hiding, but he’s the one who’s counting and we’re all waiting for him to yell out…

“Ready or not, here I come!”

But unless he’s a baby that sounds like Bruce Willis, I don’t actually expect to hear it.

And because it’s getting so close now, there seems to be a lot of emphasis on…THE NAME.

What is it? What does it start with? What does it mean? Is it named after anyone? And most importantly…“it’s not going to be stupid, I hope?” (I’m never really sure if people are referring to the name or the kid, with that one).

And it’s hilarious at what lengths people will go to, to find out the name we picked. The best of which was last weekend, when my parents decided to use my wife’s belly as a biological Ouija-board. They wrote out letters of the alphabet on a piece of paper and called them out one at a time, watching for a kick or a prod from “within”. As my dad put it, “he doesn’t know how to lie yet, so we’ll listen to him, not you.” (more…)
June 4

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Body Functions, Thoughts
4 Comments

4
JUN

Week 37 which means our schnitzel is officially classified as FULL TERM. So, if he were to pop out into the world right now, he’d be fully formed and functioning. Two words that are ever rarely associated with my brain, especially at the ripe old middle-age of 2191.3 weeks!

And even though our son is due in 3 weeks time, the reality is…like a train without a timetable or a teenage boy losing his virginity…he could “arrive” at any moment!!

And it will change our lives FOREVER!

And as a new dad-to-be, you gotta get used to that word…

“CHANGE”

Because they’re coming thick’n’fast, whether you’re ready for them or not. As these music artists so readily point out:

Change The World by Eric Clapton. Chill Out, Things Gonna Change by John Lee Hooker. Change My Way Of Living by The Allman Brothers Band. Changes by David Bowie. Winds Of Change by Jefferson Starship. I Know I’ve Been Changed by John Hammond Jr. There’s Gotta Be A Change by Jonny Lang. Victim Of Changes by Judas Priest. Change It by Stevie Ray Vaughan. Perpetual Change by Yes.

When my love first announced she was pregnant, I was fully expecting some changes, however, I wasn’t fully prepared for just how BIG those changes would get. Especially when it comes to the size of her belly…Wow! (more…)
May 28

BEING A FATHER

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Thoughts
2 Comments

28
MAY

Week 36: Four Weeks and Counting…

With only about four weeks to go until we finally get to look into the eyes of our little schnitzel, I’m starting to look at just what being a dad means, for me.

First of all, it means…I’m scared, excited, nervous and thrilled all at the same time. Similar to the time I lost my virginity or…the time I saw The Goodies live on stage at The Melbourne Arts Centre.

But unlike the time I lost my virginity, I expect the experience of fatherhood to last a whole lot longer than a matter of minutes and not leave me with a deep sense of shame and disappointment. And much like The Goodies, no doubt, my appreciation will get better with age.

But the whole prospect of being a father means several other things too.

Being a father means…

Coasting through life with ‘ease’. Nappies, Quick-eze and responsibilities.

It also means the pressure of extinction…no longer hangs on you.

Plus, being a father means that for once in my marriage…I finally get to be the boss of someone! (more…)
May 20

RAIN MAN (BOY)

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Thoughts
3 Comments

20
MAY

Week 35 and once again, I venture into uncharted territory otherwise known as…

No Man’s Land…

aka — The Baby Shower.

Not quite the tiny cubicle for washing that I was expecting. But why else would they make tiny hotel soaps?

My other visions were similarly inaccurate. The idea of my lovely wife strapped to the hood of a car as spinning brushes and soapy water descend upon her like a car wash. Or the nightmarish vision of being stripped down and prodded with long-handled stiff brooms by people in HazMat suits in radiation facilities.

But thankfully, for all concerned, it represents the showering of love, support and gifts for our soon-to-be Son.

An array of food set out on the table, tastefully catering for the inner-pun in all of us. Included things like…baby cakes, baby muffins, jelly babies and the deliciously funny…schnitzel sandwiches! And a feast of silly games designed to both teach, amuse and make fun of an impending father’s skill at child rearing…that hopefully will alleviate any concerns my wife may have about leaving her two boys alone together in the future. (Either that…or cementing her fears, once and for all). (more…)
May 12

PAINTING THE BABY’S WOMB

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, In the Womb
2 Comments

12
MAY

Week 34 and with only six weeks left to go ’til we meet our little schnitzel in the flesh (well, technically he’s already in my lovely wife’s flesh), but it’s time to make sure we’ve got everything ready. Which means taking a few hours to paint his womb…

Whaaat???

Don’t you mean…”room”?

No. I know what I mean…(and why am I arguing with myself?).

A friend organised a lovely face-paint artist to come and create a mural on the largest blank space we have available at home…my wife’s pregnant belly. Apparently, it’s all the rage. Public hangings, yo-yo’s, iPads and now…belly murals.

Because his actual name is depicted in the design, we’ve had to protect his identity by blurring it out, (in case you were thinking our artist’s parents wasted their money sending her to art school). But all will be revealed once he finally comes out of his womb…ah, room. (more…)