THOUGHTS

  • SCHOOL IS…OUT!

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Pre-Natal Classes, Thoughts

    3 Comments

    Had our final Prenatal Childbirth Class today, which means school is…OUT!

    And boy…did we learn some lessons.

    Topics we covered included different ways of inducing births. Who would have guessed that a crochet needle, could also be used to break somebody’s water? (I will be forever suspicious of Grannies knitting booties in the foyer.)

    The side-splitting walkthrough of a cesarian. (Which incidentally, is NOT the thirteenth Zodiac sign), but does include a bleeding goat and an altar.

    The complex and amazing subject of breast feeding. (I’m a guy…it’s always about the boobs) 🙂

    I’m all for expressing an opinion, but expressing milk?…That’s a whole other matter.

    BTW: Did you realise we’re the only mammals on the planet that gives birth to our young and then feeds it milk from a completely different mammal? Although, as far as mammals go, I guess cows were a smarter choice. Imagine if we milked whales! Not only would it be damned near impossible to grip your hands around the teat, but how would you keep the bucket from floating away underneath it? Plus, it’s pretty hard to hold your breath and suckle at the same time. (more…)

  • SCHOOL IS…IN

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Pre-Natal Classes, Thoughts, Tips

    1 Comment

    Schnitzel hits the big 3-0!

    30 Weeks and doing well.

    And for us, it means…school is in! (New for me, but old news for my lovely wife…she is a school teacher after all).

    But this is school…with a difference. The kind of school that’s mandatory to watch videos of naked women, where sleeping in class is encouraged (why else would they ask you to bring in two pillows?) and instead of a diploma, you get a placenta. That’s right, I’m talking about…

    Child Birthing Classes!

    Or…“How to scare the living sh*t out of yourself, without really trying”.

    This is the business end of the stick folks. Here’s my down-on-all-fours, nitty gritty, Top 10 ways to scare you and your partner into thinking, “what the hell have we got ourselves into?”

    #10 – Epidurals: A javelin jammed in your spine to make the badman (pain), go away.

    #9 – Six different massage positions designed to help ease pain and discomfort during the 2nd stage of labour (and coincidentally, the very same positions that got us into this situation in the first place).

    #8 – Describing birthing pain as…indescribable. (Oh goody, put me down for two, then).

    #7 – The birthing room is, “no place for jokes”. (Come on, you’re killin’ me, here!). (more…)

  • SECRET MAN’S BUSINESS

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Thoughts

    2 Comments

    Week 27 and the realisations of expecting a boy are really starting to filter through my mind.

    A lot of his lessons in life, will rest squarely on my shoulders. Things like…

    I’m going to have to teach him how to use…public toilets.

    Navigating the minefield of disgusting unsanitary hazards of neanderthals, whose care for basic human hygiene is as carefree as a six year old running through a lawn sprinkler. Learning the difference between a urinal and a hand basin (my younger brother made that fatal mistake around the age or 4 or 5). How to avoid stepping in other people’s “puddles” and avoiding stray pubic hairs and droplets on the seat. Laying paper on the seat before you sit and try not to panic when the toilet water splashes up against your undercarriage. Never look at another man’s junk and most importantly, don’t eat the urinal cakesthey’re not lollies.

    And it doesn’t stop there. There’s also… (more…)

  • IF YOU BUILD IT, HE WILL COME

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Thoughts

    2 Comments

    Never before has my life had even an inkling of baby stuff in it.

    And may I point out, my replica Delorean with flashing lights and sound effects, my remote controlled Dalek, my Superman money box and my miniature Tardis that flashes just before my mobile phone goes off…

    Are not baby stuff…okay!!

    They are MAN things, in a MAN’s room…

    (Okay, maybe the stuffed Daffy Duck plush toy is a little bit…”nyeah?”)

    But they’re the representation and culmination of lifelong dreams of a MAN…(this man, in particular). And may I also point out that they are high on a shelf well out the way of fiendish little fingers (yes, my wife can’t reach them)…or little schnitzel chicken fingers, once they arrive.

    But now, just like an infestation of termites, the baby stuff creeps its way in slowly but surely. (more…)

  • TWENTY-ONE TODAY…TWENTY-ONE TODAY!

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Thoughts

    2 Comments

    Can’t believe our little schnitzel is growing up so fast. It seemed like only yesterday he was just an egg, now he’s suddenly 21…

    Weeks! (that is).

    It’s about now, my mind clicks into overdrive!

    We’re creating a whole human beingfrom nothing!

    This is the kind of stuff, that “God” person, wrote about in that really old book, what was it…

    Where Do Babies Come From?

    Now’s the time for weird thoughts to start creeping into my head. Thoughts like…

    Am I god? God is the creator, I created, therefore…I AM GOD!

    Then my beautiful angel reminds me…

    “Ah, you know we’re having a baby, right? It’s not all about you!” (more…)

  • PERCEPTIONS

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Thoughts

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    Amazing how my perceptions have changed.

    Driving my love to work this morning, a news report on the radio reported a young woman was sexually assaulted in the street this morning.

    I turned to my incubator and said…

    “Who does that? That’s somebody’s daughter!”

    And I teared up a little last week when I watched a TV show where a father was fighting to save his son and…

    …I got it!

    Even though our schnitzel/elle is still in the oven, I finally get that connection between parents and their kids.

    Ahhh…what’s happening to me???

  • 1ST THINGS 1ST

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Thoughts

    2 Comments

    It’s been a week of firsts for me.

    1st visit to the Maternity Clinic.

    Starting reading my 1st book on parenting.

    Our 1st visit to the Baby Train, an enormous Baby Superstore. That’s a place where new expectant dad’s can lie down unexpectedly on the floor, while the overwhelming world of baby products and their prices, swoons all around you.

    I had no idea just how much things cost, it’s like…

    Wow! It’s how much?…Does a robot come with that?

    We’re making a baby, not building the Six Million Dollar Man! (more…)

  • SHAPESHIFTER

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1st Trimester, Body Functions, Thoughts, Tips

    2 Comments

    I feel just like Carol-Anne in Poltergeist, sitting in front of the tv…

    “They’re here…”

    Week 14 and…”Baby got back!” (It also has arms, legs, fingers, toes, etc).

    Thankfully, my family has arrived safe and sound and we’re all back together again. Now I get to bare my claws and stand over them both, like a defensive tiger fends for it’s cubs, “Heeeeeeeche!”

    It was a little weird at first, to be back in each other’s arms after 4 weeks. I felt like a teenager on prom night…all goofy and nervous (and wondering what my date looks like naked?)

    And I also discovered that at Week 14, my wife has developed some rather unique talents…

    My wife has become…

    …a Shapeshifter (cool) 🙂 (more…)

  • BOOMERANGS

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1st Trimester, Thoughts

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    It feels like ages since we saw each other in the flesh (that’s how it all started in the first place), but now I am one eager day away from having my family back in my loving arms…(and in our empty villa, for that matter).

    The rules of engagement surrounding our Skype chats have been adhered to, so I have no idea if she’s showing and/or how much.

    It’s like waiting to unwrap a Christmas present!

    but I probably shouldn’t shake and rattle it first?

    It feels kind of weird, like it’s not really happening.  Probably because there’s literally an ocean between us, and only a thin membrane between them. I feel slightly detached from the whole experience. Almost like a Clayton’s Dad.

    But I am so super excited at having them back, so I can actually feel like I’m a part of it.

    (Seems only fair, after all…it is also a part of me). (more…)

  • WHERE FOR ART THOU?

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1st Trimester, Thoughts

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    So, we’re at the 10 week mark, and I’m feeling a sense of distance between us…

    About 3231 miles…to be exact!

    Absence makes the heart grow fonder…but totally worries the shit, out of the mind!

    Dorothy is back to Oz (for 4 weeks), while I man the fort in Bali, and move all our stuff into another villa in Seminyak.

    Our only communication is through dodgy video Skype chats, with strict instructions to only let me see her…

    From the “boobs”, up!…No sneak belly peeks, ’til her return.

    Who am I to complain at that suggestion? (Okay…it was my suggestion). (more…)