INTERNAL AFFAIRS

So, we just got back from the CTG Monitoring and we’re…all good.

Schnitzel aced the exam (to be expected), but it was a little unsettling to watch. If you examine the pics below, you’ll see my lovely wife looks like she was in fact being interrogated by the KGB (perhaps my thoughts CAN manifest into reality?…Better watch what I think about in future).

Either that, or she looks like a contestant on a sadistic medical game show version of  Spicks and Specks. Only every time she presses the buzzer, Adam Hills gives her an electric shock! But just so her mother doesn’t have a cardiac arrest thinking she’s the subject of some kind of euthanasia experiment, all this machine does is monitor the baby’s heart rate, and every time momma feels the baby move, she presses the buzzer…(and administers a tiny electrical shock…NO…a handful of feeding pellets drops from the ceiling…NO…she receives a telegram from a Czech Republican man in Prague that simply reads…CUT IT OUT).

In slightly less exciting terms, it actually just registers a tiny musical note on the readout whenever the baby’s heart rate spikes, so they know the spike was caused by his own moving and not something more drastic, like trying to escape his dad’s bad jokes.

Then my lovely wife was offered something called a…“scratch’n’sniff”…NO…“search’n’rescue?”…NO…“catch’n’release?”…WAIT…A…

“Stretch’n’Sweep”

Which is NOT a 70’s rock band, NOR a new sizing of ladies jeans. It is in fact a little procedure they do to possibly help move things along a bit. I won’t go into too much detail, suffice to say, my lovely wife now knows what it’s like to be…a Muppet. (And not from the Jim Henson end of things, but more from Kermit the Frog’s side of the fence).

But, from all reports, most people who’ve had this done report going into labour within the proceeding 12 hrs (and also report anyone trying this at home without washing their hands afterwards).

So, fingers crossed. Something will definitely be happening within the next 12 hrs…possibly…maybe…hopefully?

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