'PARENTING' BEGINS AT 40

WELCOME TO THE 40YROLDDAD.


A FIRST TIME DAD'S ADVENTURES IN FATHERHOOD AT THE RIPE OLD "MIDDLE-AGE" OF 40.

About this Blog: Funny how four little words can suddenly turn you’re life upside down…“You’re f*#king kidding me?” Okay, that was probably my four words…“We’re having a baby!” - that’s hers. Considering we’ve had 9 failed attempts at IVF, a few miscarriages and a witch doctor’s mojo later and still “no dice”…not only had we resigned ourselves to the fact it was never gonna happen, but we’d already made future plans with “just the two of us…la-de-la-de-da-de-da, the two of us”. Now all that’s out the window at the grand “middle-age"…of 40! And it's nothing short of an absolute MIRACLE!

  • THOMAS BED BIRTHDAY

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1-2 years, Events, The Baby Years

    2 Comments

    Happy Birthday Indy!!

    Today our son turns 2. Simply amazing how quickly the time flies by. Why only yesterday, he was still in a cot, but not today…

    It’s your Birthday! And what an excellent little helper you are.

    Enjoy your Thomas big bed, little man xxx (more…)

  • WELCOME TO NEUTERVILLE. POPULATION…ME!

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: Body Functions, D-scoveries, Events

    3 Comments

    When it comes to severing ties with those you hold nearest and dearest to your sack heart, you gotta weigh up your options. I had considered the Something About Mary home vasectomy kit, but when it comes to frank’n’beans, I opt for something a little less tearful to the eye and prefer to not end in the phrase, “We got a bleeder!”

    And being the open-minded fella that I am, I went with an Open-ended vasectomy.

    Which sounds like wrestling two garden hoses as they spray haphazardly out your trousers. Open-ended actually means the tubes are cut off and only one end is tied off. Your body still continues to produce sperm but it’s absorbed back into your body within 15 seconds. Kind of like when you dribble soup down your chin and quickly suck it back in before it drips on your cargo pants. Minus the slurping sound. It’s quick and scalpel-free. Best of all, I have a fully legitimate reason for literally being, SELF-ABSORBED.

    And my practitioner of choice…

    Dr Snip logo

    True dat! Dr Nicholas Demediuk (aka Dr Snip®), has performed over 20,000 vasectomies (and I thought I met a lot of ‘dicks’ in my profession). So he can pretty much do this with his eyes closed (but thankfully, doesn’t).

    It all begins at home the night before when I have to shave my own ‘region’. A little whipper-snip and back burning to bring the manscape back to bare. There’s a reason you don’t take selfies when you’re shaving for a vasectomy. None of the angles do you any favours. Oh, the indignity. I don’t think I breathed during the whole ordeal.

    Come game-day and a plaque on the wall reads, ‘Carpe Scrotum’ which if you know your Latin, is somewhat less than comforting (Seize the Scrotum). Man, I hope that’s a serving suggestion and not a direct order. Sounds like the Spartans war cry from ’300′. However, Dr Nick assures me it’s less painful than going to the dentist, but then again, I never had a dentist pull teeth out through my scrotum. (more…)

  • THE SEX NAZI: NO SEX FOR YOU!

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Events, In the Womb, Ultrasound

    17 Comments

    We had our 20 week scan and got to see our beautiful girl doing tumble turns in the oven. It’s a marvel of technology to be able to see everything going on inside. That’s the humerus…“Gee, I thought it’d be funnier?” I said. The stenographer smiled politely. Mumma topped me without missing a beat…“we thought you would be, too.” Then high-fived each other with their eyes. It was a good call, but stung like a prick to the testes.

    Our gal is growing marvellously and we couldn’t be happier. The placenta is a little low, and seeing as we have no experience in cheering one up, we have to get another scan at 32 weeks to ensure it’s not obstructing the birth canal. That will determine whether or not she takes the natural route or gets ejected through the skylight.

    We followed that up today with a visit to the Midwife clinic, where we had a couple followers of our own. A friend from our Mothers group and a friend of Mumma’s sister, both midwifery students, accompanying and observing our appointments. It’s a little unusual to hear the Doctor call out your wife’s name…and four people get up and walk in! Like Bill Paxton and his ‘Big Love’ Mormon Wives. Our own private entourage. (more…)

  • WRITING PROCESS: A BLOG HOP

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: Events

    I’m scared and excited this week to participate in my very first Blog Hop. Excited because I was invited by Sophie at The Mother Load. Sophie’s twice award-nominated blog is beautifully presented and she’s a wonderful writer, incredibly open and generous about her thoughts on life and is reflective, intelligent and honest in her writing. You should definitely check out Sophie’s post here.

    Scared because the subject of this blog hop is a look into the writing process and how we go about it. I also get to nominate four other people to take part and discover wonderful insights into how they attack the blank screen when writing their posts.

    But, are you sure you want to go down this rabbit hole? Even I’m afraid to travel deep down into my own mind without some kind of life insurance cover to see how it all works. It’s no Willy Wonka factory, let me tell you. More like if Willy Wonka was on crack and Albert Einstein on LSD and their lucid dreamings crossed streams and melded into a menagerie cloud baby that joined forces with a robot from the 12th dimension in a nice tailored suit, and was refused entry to the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party because he wanted to bring along his own boom-box with a mixed tape of his favourite 80′s songs. Then my mind…would live next to THAT guy. (more…)

  • GITTIN’ SNIPPY WIDDIT

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1-2 years, Events, The Baby Years

    2 Comments

    Happy Days, Seinfeld, Breaking Bad…all good things must come to an end. And so it goes for my nut bag. The very thought of it makes me cringe and although we feel incredibly lucky to have been blessed with our miracle man and a bunette currently in the oven, I’m acutely aware the sands of time continue to spill through the hourglass. Although I’m young at heart, the body says otherwise.

    Struggling to read bedtime stories under dimly lit conditions, I was told by my optometrist that I’m entering the ‘Presbyopia’ stage of life. A type of short-sightedness that affects us all over the age of 40 and currently, the majority of the Australian voting public (have you ‘seen’ our PM?). As much as I adore being a 40YrOldDad (*ahem), I have no intention of one day becoming a 50YrOldDad…with a toddler!

    Hence, as Joe Hockey pointed out during the budget…cuts must be made. And so, with a gulp in my throat and a tear in my eye, it’s time to ‘git snippy widdit’ and book in for a vasectomy. (more…)

  • HOW TO MAKE THAT MOZZIE BEGONE!

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: Sponsored Posts

    No Comments

    What could possibly be worse than the sound of a mozzie buzzing your ear in bed in the darkness? — NOTHING…nothing could be worse than that. (With the possible exception of TWO MOZZIES or…Brynne Edelsten and Jeanne Little auditioning for The Voice).

    No bug is as smack-worthy nor brings a cringe to your spine quicker than a run in with this ravenous vampiric blood-sucking insect, but enough of Tony Abbott, I’m talking about the dreaded…mozzie.

    I remember a time in Bali we were eating at a restaurant and our legs were aggressively set upon under the table by mozzies. Like Bruce Lee fending off an onslaught of Ninjas, our hands were a blur as we slapped our arms and legs more often than a German at Oktoberfest. I ran a kilometre or so to find a store that stocked a can of mozzie spray, then sweatily ran back so we could finish our dinner without leaping and banging our knees under the table every ten seconds.

    And now that we have our own mini-adventurer, there’s a whole host of concerns to worry about when it comes to mozzie protection. First of all, we don’t want to spray or rub in chemicals that could be doing who-knows-what to his precious skin. Using it on ourselves is just as worrying. We need to be mindful that we have it on our hands, especially since we use them to dig foreign objects out of his mouth or wipe his snotty nose. And lit mozzie coils on the ground could be a red beacon in the darkness to little fingers and an inquiring mind.

    That’s when a little godsend flew into my Inbox, (that’s what Mumma said when I got her pregnant again). ;) Introducing Europe’s number one mosquito protection device… (more…)

  • QUEENSLAND FERTILITY GROUP

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: Sponsored Posts

    No Comments

    FILL IN THE BLANKS

    Sponsored By Nuffnang

    If you were alive in the late 70′s, you’d surely remember one of Australia’s greatest game shows, Blankety Blanks, hosted by the late great, Graham Kennedy. It was Channel 10′s ratings-baby and had us glued to the set in stitches, weeknights at 7pm, to witness the madcap, innuendo-ridden hilarity that always ended with a cheeky ‘Dick’ joke between Gra-Gra and Ugly Dave Gray.

    And for 1 in 20 men in Australia with fertility issues, shooting ‘Blankety Blanks’ is a major concern that can stand in the way of feeling like a real man and making your very own baby. And much like the amount of cigars Ugly Dave Gray consumed during the taping of the show, that’s a pretty high number.

    A common misconception with couples having difficulties getting pregnant, is that the issue is generally “women’s business”. Age is the most predominant issue and asking a woman hers, may result in a swift kick to the testes causing further fertility issues and the cycle continues. However, the next most common cause of fertility issues after a woman’s age, are male factor issues (about 40% of the time). Probably related to asking a woman’s age. (more…)

  • 5 POOS NOBODY TELLS YOU ABOUT

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1-2 years, D-scoveries, Daipers, Friday Five Funny, The Baby Years, Tips

    14 Comments

    As a new parent, friends and family are always quick to inundate you with horrendous poo stories from other parents. We’ve all been warned to expect the ‘Krakatoa’ poo explosion, but there’s a few other poo types I’ve D-scovered along the way that nobody ever warned me about.

    So, here’s a list of 5 poos that nobody ever told you about…

    1. The ‘Comprehensive’ Poo
    Similar to the Krakatoa Poo, except that it’s completely contained within the nappy and comprehensive, because it covers quite a large area and (thankfully), just laps at the edges. Phew…you just dodged a bullet.

    2. The ‘I Just Changed Your Nappy A Minute Ago’ Poo
    This is when you ‘um’ and ‘ah’ over whether or not to change the nappy because it’s been a while since the last change, but they haven’t had a poo that day. Sure enough, within a minute or two of deciding to change it, there’s a steamy deposit mocking you as you throw your fist at the sky and plead, “Why didn’t you do that a minute ago?!”

    3. The ‘So You Think You’re Getting Out The Door On Time’ Poo
    The car is packed, the nappy bag sorted, you’ve chased and wrestled for 15 mins to get their shoes on and dressed to go. A look at the clock and you’re bang on time…YES! You strap them into their car seat and that’s when it hits you…NO! That steamy waft and that cherub grin. Like they’ve planned it the whole time. But no need to call ahead, you’ve got a toddler now, nobody expects you to be on time for anything anymore EVER now, anyway. (more…)

  • PROBLEM SOLVER

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1-2 years, D-scoveries, The Baby Years

    1 Comment

    It used to be, that if our boy wanted something that we didn’t either feel like doing or didn’t want him to have, it was pretty easy to sway him off the idea through misdirection…look, a unicorn!

    But now that he’s approaching the 23 month old mark, a certain aspect of his behaviour is coming to the fore…

    He’s a Problem Solver!

    A don’t tell me it can’t be done, show me how it CAN be done, kinda guy. He doesn’t focus on the problem, he looks for a solution and man, he has some serious powers of persuasion.

    This behaviour first manifested a week ago when Indy wanted to play with Melmo (Daddy’s puppet creation and fuzzy arch nemesis. See my post Melmo! for details), but instead of simply accepting the standard misdirection, “No, no. Melmo’s asleep now. Oh look, an oxy-torch and a box of matches!” He now purposefully takes your hand, looks into your eyes and nods assuredly and supportively with some gentle but firm ‘yeps’, to sweeten the deal. Like you’ve just been mind-f#*d by a mini Derren Brown. (more…)

  • RESULTS ARE IN…

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1st Trimester, Events, In the Womb, Thoughts, Ultrasound

    16 Comments

    Indy had just gone down for a nap and I was in the loo when I heard it. Not that, THAT…the shrill of Mumma’s ringtone. By the time I made it to the living room, my heart was already in my mouth, which is probably why I couldn’t breathe. Unless it had something to do with a certain There’s Something About Mary ‘frank’n’beans’ moment I had unwittingly recreated in my haste to zip up and hear the news.

    Through wincing eyes and bated breath, I was playing catchup. Having already missed part of the conversation, I had to extrapolate what I thought was being relayed down the phone by piecing together Mumma’s subtle facial expressions, body mannerisms and pupil dilations as she listened intently. Like trying to figure out what’s happening on LOST, when you’ve already missed the first two seasons, there’s just no way.

    Even if she did say something, there’s no way I could have heard it over the pounding of the pulse between my ears, like the guy swinging his hammer at the Rank Arena gong. And suddenly, all at once, there was a resounding SILENCE as she hung up the phone. The results are in… (more…)

Justin P Bechtold is a comedian, designer, screenwriter and HomeDad. Written and performed all over the world (man, someone's gotta clean that up). This blog explores my comic misadventures of being a first time dad from the ripe old 'middle-age" of 40.

  • COMEDIAN

    WHAT I DO

    Standup Comedy, Sketch Comedy, Comedy Writing. If it’s funny, then I’ll do it. It’s in my blood. Seriously…last week I cut my finger and three clowns fell out!

  • DESIGNER

    WHAT I CREATE

    PEOPLE (well, one person at least. Not sure how many more I have left in me?). Also create Logos, business cards, posters. (Not at the same time, mind you. I have to feed my son at some point).

  • SCREENWRITER

    WHAT I WRITE

    Did I mention Comedy? I also write Blogs, Action-Adventure tent pole features and TV Shows. And one time, at Band Camp, I wrote my name in the snow!

  • HOMEDAD

    WHAT I LEARN

    Something new every day, fo’shizzle. An amazing son who astounds me every day with his antics and an even more amazing wife who’s astounded my mine. Trust me, you don’t want to know. (Really, quit poking me). Alright then, you asked for it…Scroll Away!

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