PARENTING BEGINS AT 40

WELCOME TO THE 40YROLDDAD


A FIRST TIME DAD'S ADVENTURES IN FATHERHOOD AT THE RIPE OLD 'MIDDLE-AGE' OF 40.

Mumma and I tried having kids for over 10 years. 9 failed attempts at IVF, a few miscarriages and a trip to a Balinese Witch Doctor, but still no dice. Now suddenly at the age of 40, we're blessed with two naturally occurring chatterboxes which is nothing short of an absolute 'miracle'. This blog captures my comedic adventures in fatherhood at the ripe old 'middle-age' of 40 and beyond.

  • WHEN INDY MET INDY

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3-5 years, Events, Toddler Years, Videos

    2 Comments

    From the moment he was conceived, we knew this day would come. I wasn’t sure if his 3 and a half year old mind could handle the concept but I couldn’t wait any longer. To hell with the consequences. Time to man up and hit this thing head on. Sit down son, I’m about to blow your tiny mind…it’s time you discovered the answer to ‘Where did I come from?’

    We sat down together and pushed PLAY on the remote. The PARAMOUNT PICTURES logo on the screen dissolves into a real life mountain and the life-affecting title appears…

    RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK

    I hold my tongue and my breath in eager anticipation of the question I know is about to come…
    ‘Who dat man in the hat, Daddy?’
    And as the silhouetted figure on screen whips a gun right out of a bad guy’s hand with a stinging crack of blinding accuracy, he steps into the light and we see his face for the very first time…‘THAT my boy, is the man you are named after. THAT, is…INDIANA JONES, Dr Henry Jones Jr. His friends call him INDY and it’s time you found out exactly who he is.’

    The next hour and a half was one of the most delightful experiences of my whole parenting journey. Getting to watch Indiana Jones in action through the eyes of my son and seeing him feel as much affinity for that character as I did in my own childhood. He laughed and yelled at the screen and knowing full well he couldn’t sit through the whole thing, we forwarded through the plot developing scenes and focused on the action. He’ll enjoy them just as much when he watches it again when he’s older. It was also my job to cover his eyes during the scary moments, a job that was monitored very carefully by my boy who would yell out, ‘Cover my eyes! Cover my eyes!’ at the slightest hint of any atmospheric musical changes. Still surprises me that he didn’t just cover them himself with his own hands, but that’s why I’m the Dad, I guess? (more…)

  • PNP – GET SANTA ON DEMAND

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: D-scoveries, Sponsored Posts, Tips

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    T’was the twelfth day of Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring except for two little mice, perched between Mumma and I on the couch. Eyes wide as saucers, breathless with anticipation. ‘A message for me…from Santa?’ my little bloke repeated, eyebrow cocked as if Spock had just been asked if approving a second season of Gogglebox was logical. And there on the TV screen, as large as life (or Matt Preston), was the man himself…

    “Santa Claus”.

    Live from the PNP (Portable North Pole) console, in brilliant HD quality. And the first three words uttered from beneath his massive white beard had our boy’s eyelids snap open like over-tensioned roller blinds…

    “Oh. Hello, Indy.”

    He’s never watched ice-cream or scurrying ants with this much intensity. Santa then took him on a secret tour of his wondrous village and reviewed his entire year from his personal book of ‘Indy’ complete with pics of his wonderful birthday party mid year and the not-so wonderful time he drew all over his own legs with Daddy’s textas. It’s as if Santa’s elves had been keeping tabs on him all year. And then the moment of truth arrived, Santa’s Verdict. Was Indy on the ‘Nice List’ or the ‘Naughty List’?

    Let’s just say, there were tears involved…and he was on the ‘Nice List’. I think the overwhelm of realising he’s an all but certain chance to get what he asked for for Christmas, was too much excitement for his precious heart.

    And then it was Alice’s turn. And although she’s only just turned one, she was still transfixed and jumping with excitement as Santa reviewed her year and made a special mention about her starting to walk. Which totally blew Indy’s mind. (more…)

  • 5 THINGS THEY DON’T TELL YOU ABOUT BEING A DAD

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 0-6 months, 3-5 years, D-scoveries, The Baby Years, Thoughts, Tips, Toddler Years

    4 Comments

    Being a Dad is pretty awesome and there’s always a lot of advice and tips that people are always willing to give a first time Daddy-to-be. But there’s quite a few things that nobody ever told me about being a Dad which would have been handy to know in the beginning to properly prepare and psych myself for.

    So I’ve compiled a short list of things I’ve discovered myself and am willing to share with any Daddy newbies out there.

    Here’s a quick list of 5 things nobody tells you about being a Dad:

    1. Baby fingernails are sharper than adamantium claws.

    The only thing worse than hearing fingernails on a blackboard is having your cheeks, eyelids, lips and nostrils shredded to pieces by tiny razor-like Kruegeresque knives forged in the belly of a dragon at the bottom of a volcano.

    2. Despite what you think, babies are not as vulnerable as they look.

    Even though babies come into this world vulnerable and defenceless, it only takes a few months before their inherent self-defence ninja skills come to the fore. They may look incredibly cute and adorable lying in your arms as you gently rock them to sleep, but they can incapacitate an elephant simply by totally pinching the sh*t out of the skin on your neck with the strength and accuracy of a Vulcan warrior. (more…)

  • GENERATION WHY?

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3-5 years, 3-5 years, Toddler Years

    3 Comments

    Seeing our kids grow into little beings, I think back to the days when we couldn’t wait for them to start talking and now that those days have arrived, I wish to god for some SILENCE.

    The days of sleeping in are as extinct as the dinosaurs. Even when we take it in turns to crawl out and sprawl one-eyed on the couch, drawing the little critters toward us and away from the bedroom like a human mozzie-zapper, so the other one can get 10 seconds of extra sleep. The screaming, yelling, laughing and crying penetrates the walls and drills into your semi-conscious brain like an incessant woodpecker. And then there’s the noise from the kids.

    But now that they’ve found their voices, the questions are coming thick and fast. Not since the advent of TV game show Sale of the Century, has anyone been drilled incessantly with questions by a pint-sized ‘Tony Barber’ (or is that, actual size?). I always knew this day was coming and I felt I was more than ready for it, but I completely underestimated the stamina of a 3 year old’s ability to ask the same question over and over before I went insane.

    The FBI and KGB have nothing on a 3 year old and the Chinese water torture is but a drop in the tsunami of banal questioning that’s washed over us on a daily basis.

    I’m a product of the X-generation but this kid is definitely… (more…)

  • GREAT STRIDES

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3-5 years, D-scoveries, Dad Mishaps, Events, Toddler Years

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    For a couple weeks now our boy has been exhibiting great strides in independence. Wanting to do many things on his own like climbing the playground equipment, taking himself to the potty or trading blue chip shares on Wall Street.

    But today at 3 years and 15 days, our little boy surprised us both when for the very first time in his life he sidled up to my side of the bed at 6:47am to announce…

    “Me dress myself!”

    A feat even some adults find difficult to accomplish, especially at 6:47am on a Monday. And when my bleary eyes failed me, my hands ran across him in the darkness like a brail Detective novel. Confirming that yes, he’d managed to Houdini his way out of the zip-up onesie, singlet and pull-up he went to bed in and was now wearing jocks, tracky-dacks, a t-shirt and a long-sleeve top. Mind you, the t-shirt was inside out and his right arm was twisted inside the sleeve of his top like an anaconda in a burlap sack, but the evidence was clear. He’d managed it all on his own.

    My immediate thrill then turned to despair as I realised my boy is growing up and every day, requires our assistance less and less. And in my moment of self-pity, a sudden thought struck me, ‘Did you have a poo in your pull-ups?’  (more…)

  • CO-SLEEPER CLONES

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 0-6 months, Gadgets, The Baby Years

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    Back in December, I posted about My DIY Co-Sleeper, which I built for Mumma to get easy access to our gal after she was born so she didn’t have to get up, lean over and lift her in and out in the middle of the night.

    It continues to get quite a response and I’ve been contacted several times requesting a copy of my plans so they can build their own.

    One such request came from expectant father, Adam Harrison, whose first child is due any moment. Adam is a DIY hobbyist with a list of impressive projects including a large wooden linen cabinet, a rustic covered litter box and a tall space-saving shelving unit all in preparation for their new baby.

    And the crowning glory was of course, a beautiful baby co-sleeper based on my original designs, with a few tweaks for their own particular house and the materials he had on hand. The finished product looks magnificent and Adam was generous enough to send me some pics to share with you all. (more…)

  • EVOLUTION OF DADS

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: D-scoveries, Dad Mishaps, Events

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    Being a Dad is a pretty awesome and often tough job.

    It’s funny to look back on my memories of my Baby Boomer Dad and compare them to myself today and just how ‘uncool’ I feel in comparison. Like the sideburns and handle-bar moustache which required a permit to feed them. Flares so wide you could hide a Boeing jet behind them. Collars so long and pointed they were registered as lethal weapons. Not to mention the platform shoes so high, you had to run up three flights of stairs just to get into them. Yet, somehow…

    He was cool.

    Maybe because he reminded me of Steve Austin, the Bionic Man. My younger brother still has furrows in his brow from trying to replicate that stoic powerful cocking of the eyebrow that both my Dad and Steve had in common.

    Maybe it was because he played guitar and was good…damn good.

    Or maybe it was because he used to draw cowboys for me on the back of the Weeties box for me to cut out and play with.

    Or maybe its just because he was my dad, that he just seemed larger than life and cooler than cool.

    Maybe my kids will feel the same about me?

    Not realising that truth be told, I still feel like a bumbling teenager trying to fudge my way through it. (more…)

  • MOTHERS DAY BREAKFAST WITH IGA

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2-3 years, Events, Toddler Years

    2 Comments

    Last week we received a little goody-box from IGA. When I say little, it’s definitely big enough to fit a 2 year old child inside and ship him off to Europe if the screaming doesn’t stop, and it was chock full of lovely little items to help make this years Mothers Day, a special one.

    It’s the first Mothers Day Mumma has ever had with both our kids so it was going to be special anyhow, but getting Indy cracking in the kitchen was an excited bonus.

    Inside the box was a delicious assortment of ingredients and recipe, for mouth-watering…

    Apple Compote Pancakes

    Which did raise an eyebrow or two til I discovered I was mixing up compote with Capote, which was not quite as weird as I first thought if you consider Truman Capote did in fact write the novella, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, so at least we’re in the same broad area. (Who’d have thought I could be informative as well as educational?).

    Plus, there were other things inside to give our Mothers Day breakfast-in-bed concoction, a little more pizazz…A tiny jar of Pizazz! I’m kidding, I don’t even know what that would be. In reality, there was was a heart-shaped cookie cutter to get our pancakes into the right shape, a beautiful napkin and napkin ring, a floral arrangement in a tiny beer stubbie and a functional tray to carry it all in on.

    And the cutest item of all, was the tiniest apron I’ve ever seen. Just right for a two year old and certainly got our little lad into the Master Chef vibe as he hollered instructions and ordered me and my standards around in true Gordon Ramsay style.

    As you can see from the pics, he had a wonderful time and was very proud of the final presentation. (more…)

  • POTTY TRAINING FOR BEGINNERS

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2-3 years, Dad Mishaps, Daipers, Events, Toddler Years

    2 Comments

    The day had finally arrived. The one I’d been looking forward to for the last two and a half years. The day I could finally breath a great sigh of relief that I would never again have to change another wet or smelly diaper. Let the ceremonial burning of the nappy begin.

    Freedom and liberation for all! The time had come…

    Indy went on the potty…HOORAY!

    He also went on the carpet, the tiles, in front of the fridge, under the table, on the couch, behind the couch, over the heat vent in someone else’s house, in his pants, on my pants, in his bed and on his bed. Though never in a sneaky I shouldn’t be doing this fashion, but always with bold confidence and a spring in his step. Mind you, that could just be the mandatory shaking of the last drops. Which only leads to one conclusion… (more…)

  • SUPER FLYING INDY

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2-3 years, D-scoveries, Gadgets, Toddler Years, Videos

    3 Comments

    It’s no secret that our little bloke and I are both into Super Heroes. He’s also currently obsessed with ‘Dusty’ from the Disney movie, PLANES, and basically anything that flies.

    I guess it’s every boy’s dream to actually be able to fly and after several days of pestering persistent enquiries, I did what any Dad with a fondness for Super Heroes would do…

    I told Indy I would find a way to help make him fly.

    The result is this…

    (more…)

I'm a comedian, screenwriter and HomeDad to two gorgeous kids and a hubby to a most brilliant wife and Mumma.

  • COMEDIAN

    Comedy is in my blood. Seriously, last week I cut my finger and three clowns fell out.

  • SCREENWRITER

    I write feature film and television screenplays and one time, at band camp, I wrote my name in the snow.

  • HOMEDAD

    To two little scruffins who are the absolute apples of my eye, the bees to my knees and the pain in my…oh, hey kids, Daddy’s working.

Who said you could look at my stuff? Well, okay. Seeing as you came all the way down here, but please don't feed the elephant in the corner. I'm the one who has to clean it up afterwards and it can get pretty 'whiffy' down here, let me tell you.

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