TIPS

  • PNP – GET SANTA ON DEMAND

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: D-scoveries, Sponsored Posts, Tips

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    T’was the twelfth day of Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring except for two little mice, perched between Mumma and I on the couch. Eyes wide as saucers, breathless with anticipation. ‘A message for me…from Santa?’ my little bloke repeated, eyebrow cocked as if Spock had just been asked if approving a second season of Gogglebox was logical. And there on the TV screen, as large as life (or Matt Preston), was the man himself…

    “Santa Claus”.

    Live from the PNP (Portable North Pole) console, in brilliant HD quality. And the first three words uttered from beneath his massive white beard had our boy’s eyelids snap open like over-tensioned roller blinds…

    “Oh. Hello, Indy.”

    He’s never watched ice-cream or scurrying ants with this much intensity. Santa then took him on a secret tour of his wondrous village and reviewed his entire year from his personal book of ‘Indy’ complete with pics of his wonderful birthday party mid year and the not-so wonderful time he drew all over his own legs with Daddy’s textas. It’s as if Santa’s elves had been keeping tabs on him all year. And then the moment of truth arrived, Santa’s Verdict. Was Indy on the ‘Nice List’ or the ‘Naughty List’?

    Let’s just say, there were tears involved…and he was on the ‘Nice List’. I think the overwhelm of realising he’s an all but certain chance to get what he asked for for Christmas, was too much excitement for his precious heart.

    And then it was Alice’s turn. And although she’s only just turned one, she was still transfixed and jumping with excitement as Santa reviewed her year and made a special mention about her starting to walk. Which totally blew Indy’s mind. (more…)

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  • 5 THINGS THEY DON’T TELL YOU ABOUT BEING A DAD

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 0-6 months, 3-5 years, D-scoveries, The Baby Years, Thoughts, Tips, Toddler Years

    5 Comments

    Being a Dad is pretty awesome and there’s always a lot of advice and tips that people are always willing to give a first time Daddy-to-be. But there’s quite a few things that nobody ever told me about being a Dad which would have been handy to know in the beginning to properly prepare and psych myself for.

    So I’ve compiled a short list of things I’ve discovered myself and am willing to share with any Daddy newbies out there.

    Here’s a quick list of 5 things nobody tells you about being a Dad:

    1. Baby fingernails are sharper than adamantium claws.

    The only thing worse than hearing fingernails on a blackboard is having your cheeks, eyelids, lips and nostrils shredded to pieces by tiny razor-like Kruegeresque knives forged in the belly of a dragon at the bottom of a volcano.

    2. Despite what you think, babies are not as vulnerable as they look.

    Even though babies come into this world vulnerable and defenceless, it only takes a few months before their inherent self-defence ninja skills come to the fore. They may look incredibly cute and adorable lying in your arms as you gently rock them to sleep, but they can incapacitate an elephant simply by totally pinching the sh*t out of the skin on your neck with the strength and accuracy of a Vulcan warrior. (more…)

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  • 5 POOS NOBODY TELLS YOU ABOUT

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1-2 years, D-scoveries, Daipers, Friday Five Funny, The Baby Years, Tips

    14 Comments

    As a new parent, friends and family are always quick to inundate you with horrendous poo stories from other parents. We’ve all been warned to expect the ‘Krakatoa’ poo explosion, but there’s a few other poo types I’ve D-scovered along the way that nobody ever warned me about.

    So, here’s a list of 5 poos that nobody ever told you about…

    1. The ‘Comprehensive’ Poo
    Similar to the Krakatoa Poo, except that it’s completely contained within the nappy and comprehensive, because it covers quite a large area and (thankfully), just laps at the edges. Phew…you just dodged a bullet.

    2. The ‘I Just Changed Your Nappy A Minute Ago’ Poo
    This is when you ‘um’ and ‘ah’ over whether or not to change the nappy because it’s been a while since the last change, but they haven’t had a poo that day. Sure enough, within a minute or two of deciding to change it, there’s a steamy deposit mocking you as you throw your fist at the sky and plead, “Why didn’t you do that a minute ago?!”

    3. The ‘So You Think You’re Getting Out The Door On Time’ Poo
    The car is packed, the nappy bag sorted, you’ve chased and wrestled for 15 mins to get their shoes on and dressed to go. A look at the clock and you’re bang on time…YES! You strap them into their car seat and that’s when it hits you…NO! That steamy waft and that cherub grin. Like they’ve planned it the whole time. But no need to call ahead, you’ve got a toddler now, nobody expects you to be on time for anything anymore EVER now, anyway. (more…)

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  • STRYDER – HOW DID WE DO IT?

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1-2 years, D-scoveries, Events, The Baby Years, Tips, Videos

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    This week, as promised, a sneak peek behind the curtain at the making of our family-made short sci-fi film…

    ‘STRYDER’ – The movie.

    Click the image to watch the film, then read on and be bedazzled at how we made it (no sequins were harmed during the making of this film).

    'STRYDER' the movie

    Click to play

    So…How did we do it?

    Lying down, standing up, bent over the car seat and squatting on our haunches…basically. (You won’t believe how limber we are).

    The whole thing was entirely made and put together using the smallest production company in the world…my index finger! (When I say ‘my’ I really mean, ‘our’, as sometimes it was Mumma’s index finger — okay, this is getting weird), all on my iPad-3. I storyboarded key scenes using a simple app called, Sketches. I kept the drawings so simple that a child could understand them, (that’s my excuse). Funny how if I showed them to someone and said Indy drew them, they’d compliment the crap out of them but if I said it was me, I get the raised eyebrow and the ‘geez, my two year old can draw better than that,’ remark.

    We actually filmed in 3 different locations in 2 different states: (Consciousness and Unconsciousness). All the scenes of me in the car, the missile explosions and the Stryder walking up the driveway, were filmed in country NSW, where I was approached by concerned elderly onlookers checking if I was okay. They saw me lying in the driveway and thought I’d been run over. Assuring them I was completely fine, I’m just ‘filming my robot’, did absolutely nothing to alleviate their fears for my safety, but somehow raised concerns for their own? Damn judgemental eyebrows. Bad weather and evading authorities meant we had to flee the state to finish the rest.

    (more…)

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  • INDY’S BIG FINISH

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1-2 years, D-scoveries, Gadgets, Sponsored Posts, The Baby Years, Tips

    8 Comments

    If there’s one thing I hate more than washing dishes, is having to wash them again after they’ve already been washed! That goes double for the dishwasher.

    Back in the day, it was my Papa’s job to wash the dishes and his philosophy was, ‘What you don’t get off in the sink, you get off with the tea towel when you dry it.’ Which is fine if you don’t mind drying your hands on a towel caked in dry bits of food that could tear through your flesh like a jagged tin can.

    But dishwashers have made our lives easier…when they’re loaded properly and have the right stuff in them, that is. Just for the record, a dishwasher is NOT a magic hole in the wall that mysteriously cleans everything you put into it. (That’s a washing machine or possibly a black-hole vortex).

    There’s a precision, art and order to it that allows an even distribution of water jettage and arm spinny-thingy that if left to spin its twirly haymaker arm spinny action unencumbered (in the same way an angry wife might come at you after being told for the umpteenth time, that’s not how you pack the dishwasher), and provided you haven’t loaded it with dishwasher tablets that look like they were chipped from Moses’ stone tablets just to save a few pennies, then the result should be satisfactory (but not brilliant) unless…

    You load it with Finish Quantum with Power Gel tablets. Then you’ll end up with a dishwasher that sparkles more than Liberace in a mirror-ball shop and end up with dishes so clean, you could eat off them! When it comes to easy detergent, these are the goods I tells ya! (more…)

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  • THUFFERING THUCOTASH

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1-2 years, D-scoveries, Dad Mishaps, The Baby Years, Tips

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    ‘Thith morning’ I had to wonder if our boy was 14 months old or 14 years old, as he displayed an uncharacteristic rebellious streak most often reserved for teenagers than toddlers. The type of rebelliousness that incorporates chains, tattoos and heavy metal rock bands. Spikey hair, Doc Martin boots and Alice Cooper makeup. Leather pants, torn jeans and mono-syllabic grunts with obscene hand gestures.

    But for our boy, his rebellious weapon of choice…

    ‘Body Piercings’, in his case specifically…

    HIS TONGUE.

    And like most rebellious youths, rather than have a professional perform the gruesome task under strict sterilised conditions in a clean controlled environment, our Billy Idol wannabe opted for the ‘home job’ by piercing his own tongue (not with a sterilised needle), but with his very own…

    (more…)

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  • PIZZA MASTERCLASS

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: Events, Food, Sponsored Posts, The Baby Years, Tips

    2 Comments

    Now that we’ve moved into the solid food stage, besides ducking hurtling produce projectiles and chiseling 3 day old pumpkin out of the carpet, occasionally some food actually finds its way into Indy’s mouth.

    And now that he has half a dozen teeth in there (that’s five more than the average Collingwood supporter), sources tell us he can pretty much start eating whatever we eat. And as long as he’s not eating my chocolate (punishable by death), we owe it to him to make sure that everything that goes in there is a healthy option.

    Hence, I was invited to participate in the Blogconnect Pizza Masterclass put on by the good folks @KeepLeftPR and sponsored by Bakers Delight, Leggo’s, Perfect Italiano, Woolworths and Dan Murphy’s. Hold the phone…Pizza a healthy option? It sure can be, and I can’t believe how much I didn’t know about making a pizza…‘perfect’.
    (more…)

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  • DO ME A SOLID?

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 6-12 months, Food, The Baby Years, Thoughts, Tips

    6 Comments

    KNOCK-KNOCK
    Who’s there?
    My six monks.
    My six monks who?
    My six monks old baby, that’s who!

    Can you believe it? Our little bloke has just notched up half a year on his nappy belt. Which makes me wonder if he’s still considered a baby or is he now a toddler? And what actually is the difference? Sources tell me a toddler is when he starts wearing velvet robes, a cravat, smokes a pipe and sips martinis. (“Sources” is a term used loosely for the voices in my head). And if that’s the case, Hugh Hefner is the luckiest toddler in town. (more…)

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  • 2012 WORDPRESS REVIEW

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 0-6 months, Events, The Baby Years, Thoughts, Tips

    2 Comments

    Wowzers!

    Thank heavens for cheeky monkeys. The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

    Here’s an excerpt:

    600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 6,500 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 11 years to get that many views.

    Click here to see the complete report.

    Loves me some WordPress goodness. Check it out, it’s very cool.

    See you next year!!!

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  • 40YROLDDAD’S CHRISTMAS ADVENT BLOG POST

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 0-6 months, Daddy Blogger Challenge, Kris Kringle Advent Calendar Challenge 2012, The Baby Years, Thoughts, Tips

    12 Comments

    On the 8th day of Christmas my Facebook stalker, militant communists Aussie Dad Bloggers gave to me – a story about why men can’t see sh#t, right in front of their face. You asked, we answer… in the Christmas spirit, us Aussie Dad Bloggers are answering the questions raised by readers.

    Q: “Are men ACTUALLY visually impaired when it comes to locating objects inside the home?”

    The short answer…NO.

    The slightly longer answer…NU-UH.

    Trust me, there’s plenty of objects inside the home we have absolutely no trouble locating with our eyes closed. The corner of the coffee table in our shin, the die-cast metal hot-wheels car underfoot, our own playground equipment downstairs.

    Men are like dolphins, and use echo location sonar to find objects we can’t see. Dolphins use a series of clicks and whistles to locate objects underwater like fish, sunken treasure and universal remote controls. Men use a slightly more complex version of sounds such as, “Where’s the bloody car keys?” or “What happened to the potato masher?” With dolphins, the sonar bounces off the objects and back to the dolphin, helping him to determine it’s location. With men, the sound bounces back in a more female tone such as, “Did you try looking in the kitchen drawer?” or “They’re right in front of you on the bench!”

    However…if you are a theoretical physicist or even a keen fan of Doctor Who, then you will no doubt realise there is an actual phenomenon that exists in the universe, known as “Brittany Spears” or in scientific terms…

    “Temporal Displacement”

    Which sounds like something you do when you momentarily lose your mind, or skim rocks off Japanese battered fish…wait…that’s tempura. (Really, I thought was a car?) (more…)

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