THOUGHTS

  • YOU HAD ME AT…BLRRRP!

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: D-scoveries, Events, Thoughts

    3 Comments

    Wow, here we are at our 100th post and I felt it only deserving that we look back on just how we got here in the first place. For those of you reading this, it was probably through your internet browser, email or mobile device… but that’s not what I’m getting at. Every fairy tale romance has a great origin story, and this is ours…

    It started…with a ‘fart’.

    Okay, let’s back up a little. I answered an advert for a short film that was being shot the following weekend that for some reason, I had an unexplained overwhelming urge to be involved in. I called the director and the non-speaking role of the boyfriend had not yet been cast. We agreed to meet at her place to audition.

    We met the next day and I got the part, I was also informed that the woman playing my girlfriend was also supposed to meet us, but was running late. I couldn’t stay, I literally had a train to catch and as I got to the end of the driveway, she suddenly arrived. Our initial meeting was as brief as Borat’s mankini, with her thinking, “Yeah, he’s cute but much too young for me”, (completely unaware that I was almost a year older than her, thanks to good genes and a regular Oil of Ulan regime), and my thoughts on her…

    “Cool, at least she’s not ugly.”

    The weekend saw myself booking into a Ranger’s Station at Wilson’s Prom amid a ragtag student film crew, when I suddenly spied a familiar face leaning against the back wall. I sidled up to her and nonchalantly cracked, “Hi, I think I’m your boyfriend?” A come-on line served with so much cheese, you could eat it off a biscuit. I took the rolling of her eyes as a term of endearment, lest my pride be hurt.

    Prepping film gear and settling into our cabins, she generously made me a cup of tea and offered an insight into her own cheeky behaviour by stating, ‘You know what my dad used to do to me?” And seared the inside of my forearm, like a cowboy branding cattle, with the back of the scolding hot teaspoon from her cup! So shocked and surprised was I by her sudden and unexpected assault, that I unexpectedly retaliated by sheer reflex, in such a way that was just as equally as surprising and unexpected… (more…)

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  • A SNUFFLEUPAGUS IN KID’S CLOTHING

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 6-12 months, D-scoveries, The Baby Years, Thoughts

    6 Comments

    So, I’m preparing lunch in the kitchen and from out of nowhere, I hear Indy calling out from behind the couch on his playmat, pointing to a picture of a mother duck and her ducklings and going, “Gwark, gwark, gwark,” (his equivalent of ‘quack, quack, quack’). I’m totally gobsmacked. Repeatedly, over and over again, “Gwark, gwark, gwark…gwark, gwark, gwark.” So, I fire back at him, “Gwark, gwark, gwark”, and he echoes back at me, “Gwark, gwark, gwark”.

    Our first official conversation, even if it was in Gwark. That is until…I pick up the video camera to film it. Then it’s like it never happened. Like Robert DeNiro in the end of Awakenings, he slips back into his non-communicative state. The same glazed over look you see when someone describes the concept of Celebrity Splash or when journalists ask Tony Abbott anything about politics. Why is it only me that sees these things?

    It’s like Sesame Street when I was a kid and Big Bird had an imaginary friend that nobody else could see, his shaggy elephant buddy, Mr Snuffleupagus. The thing about ‘Snuffy’ was that he actually was real but was always gone before anyone else could see him. And that’s how I feel. I’m Big Bird and whenever I try to show someone something cool that Indy does, he pulls a ‘Snuffy’, and I’m left hangin’ like I’m making it all up.
    (more…)

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  • LEAVE MY CROTCH ALONE

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: Events, Thoughts

    24 Comments

    With Mother’s Day looming just around the corner, I was reflecting on my own experiences growing up with my mother (and when you sit in the sun in a tin foil hat and mirrorball sequinned jacket, you can do nothing else but, reflect). And whilst extinguishing the dying embers of a smouldering grass fire in my backyard (should have picked a slightly less sunny day for reflection), a couple of incidents come to mind, like…remember the time I wore that mirrorball jacket and burned down the backyard…

    Or…

    Remember last week when I was trying on jeans in the change rooms and the sexy young sales assistant half my age, snuck in and grabbed me on the crotch?

    Okay, you got me. That didn’t really happen. Well…it did, but it didn’t. I mean, it did actually happen, just not like that…exactly. Imagine the same scenario except…flip the ages around and substitute the sales assistant for…you guessed it…MY MOTHER! Probably the most embarrassing thing a mother could ever do to their son…

    Take him shopping…for jeans.

    (more…)

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  • WORLD’S GREATEST DAD?…WORLD’S BIGGEST HEEL

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 6-12 months, D-scoveries, Dad Mishaps, Thoughts

    8 Comments

    It was a day I hoped would never come.

    I’ve prided myself on being the cool calm collected one.

    A dad so cool, the sun needs a sweater when it shines on me!

    The dad who flows like water, who bends in the wind, goes with the flow and smells like teenspirit. (Wait…is that a cologne? I have no idea).

    The kind of dad who exists only in family sitcoms. Loves his family, does crazy and outlandish things, quick with the funny remarks, dishes out sage worldly advice and never…ever…EVER…raises his voice in anger.

    The kind of dad where Zen is my friend and karma is my confidanteė…

    So, what went wrong? (more…)

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  • BUB TOOTH TIME MACHINE

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 6-12 months, D-scoveries, The Baby Years, Thoughts

    5 Comments

    As a kid growing up, I was obsessed with two things. Collecting bread tags…and time travel. (Uh…forget I mentioned the first thing)…

    Wide-eyed and tousled hair (yes, I did have hair once and I assure you, it was quite tousled), I disappeared into TV shows like Time Tunnel, Doctor Who, Quantum Leap, Sliders, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, Star Trek, Planet of the Apes, Ready Steady Cook (again, forget that last one). I built my own play TARDIS in the backyard and fantasised about travelling through time and space.

    Then came the movies; The Time Machine, The Philidelphia Experiment, Timecop, Time Bandits, Terminator and Terminator 2, DejaVu, Austin Powers, The Time Traveller’s Wife, Hot Tub Time Machine and of course Back to the Future, just to name a few. All fuel for the Mr.Fusion that is, the Delorean of my mind, flitting backwards and forwards in time and space trying to figure out the hows and the whys. (more…)

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  • DO ME A SOLID?

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 6-12 months, Food, The Baby Years, Thoughts, Tips

    6 Comments

    KNOCK-KNOCK
    Who’s there?
    My six monks.
    My six monks who?
    My six monks old baby, that’s who!

    Can you believe it? Our little bloke has just notched up half a year on his nappy belt. Which makes me wonder if he’s still considered a baby or is he now a toddler? And what actually is the difference? Sources tell me a toddler is when he starts wearing velvet robes, a cravat, smokes a pipe and sips martinis. (“Sources” is a term used loosely for the voices in my head). And if that’s the case, Hugh Hefner is the luckiest toddler in town. (more…)

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  • 2012 WORDPRESS REVIEW

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 0-6 months, Events, The Baby Years, Thoughts, Tips

    2 Comments

    Wowzers!

    Thank heavens for cheeky monkeys. The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

    Here’s an excerpt:

    600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 6,500 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 11 years to get that many views.

    Click here to see the complete report.

    Loves me some WordPress goodness. Check it out, it’s very cool.

    See you next year!!!

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  • 2012: A YEAR IN REAR-VIEW

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 0-6 months, Events, The Baby Years, Thoughts

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    2012…the year we had to have.

    Well, we didn’t have to. I mean, some people didn’t want us to have it at all. (At least, not all of it…bloody Mayans). What do they know? Certainly nothing about making calendars, that’s for sure.

    Imagine if things had ended on December 21…it would be like watching The Sixth Sense and turning it off with two minutes left to go and thinking…

    “Yeah, it was okay but…I didn’t really get it?”

    But for us, it was a phenomenal year. Not to mention, it was the best year of Indy’s life(and he only came in at the half way mark, around when Haley Joel Osment tells Bruce Willis, he sees dead people).

    Adjusting my rear-view mirror as 2012 disappears over the horizon, I see we had the birth of our beautiful boy, the Swans won the Grand Final, I got Indy got…some gnarly signatures on my his Swans cap, I paid off my car and remain unofficially debt-free, the end of the world didn’t happen (always good to know it’s exactly where you left it, under your pillow, when you wake up in the morning), aliens didn’t invade us (and frankly, how could they? Haven’t you seen Border Security? You can’t even bring rice into the country, let alone some extra-terrestrial beings. Apparently it’s only one terrestrial being per passenger, “extras” will have to be declared, I’m afraid). (more…)

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  • SANTA’S LI’L HELPER

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 0-6 months, Events, The Baby Years, Thoughts

    2 Comments

    Waking up to the sounds of a giggling child, I’m reminded that I really should change my alarm ring tone to something a little more grown-up. And as I hit the snooze and roll over to be greeted by the warm comfort of baby sick down my front, I’m also reminded that I really should shower and change my shirt before coming to bed of an evening.

    But amid the fabricated exploits of this morning’s misadventures, I can’t help but feel there’s a certain sense of excited anticipation about this morning that I haven’t experienced since my wedding night, and before that…when I was a kid. If only I could put my finger on exactly what it is…oh, wait. I know what it is. It must be…

    Christmas Morning!!

    And the reason for my heightened level of excitement, is of course, the fact that this is…

    Indy’s First Christmas…

    And our first Christmas…as a family. (more…)

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  • 40YROLDDAD’S CHRISTMAS ADVENT BLOG POST

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 0-6 months, Daddy Blogger Challenge, Kris Kringle Advent Calendar Challenge 2012, The Baby Years, Thoughts, Tips

    12 Comments

    On the 8th day of Christmas my Facebook stalker, militant communists Aussie Dad Bloggers gave to me – a story about why men can’t see sh#t, right in front of their face. You asked, we answer… in the Christmas spirit, us Aussie Dad Bloggers are answering the questions raised by readers.

    Q: “Are men ACTUALLY visually impaired when it comes to locating objects inside the home?”

    The short answer…NO.

    The slightly longer answer…NU-UH.

    Trust me, there’s plenty of objects inside the home we have absolutely no trouble locating with our eyes closed. The corner of the coffee table in our shin, the die-cast metal hot-wheels car underfoot, our own playground equipment downstairs.

    Men are like dolphins, and use echo location sonar to find objects we can’t see. Dolphins use a series of clicks and whistles to locate objects underwater like fish, sunken treasure and universal remote controls. Men use a slightly more complex version of sounds such as, “Where’s the bloody car keys?” or “What happened to the potato masher?” With dolphins, the sonar bounces off the objects and back to the dolphin, helping him to determine it’s location. With men, the sound bounces back in a more female tone such as, “Did you try looking in the kitchen drawer?” or “They’re right in front of you on the bench!”

    However…if you are a theoretical physicist or even a keen fan of Doctor Who, then you will no doubt realise there is an actual phenomenon that exists in the universe, known as “Brittany Spears” or in scientific terms…

    “Temporal Displacement”

    Which sounds like something you do when you momentarily lose your mind, or skim rocks off Japanese battered fish…wait…that’s tempura. (Really, I thought was a car?) (more…)

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