THOUGHTS

  • CREEPY THINGS KIDS SAY TO MAKE YOU CRAP YOUR DACKS

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3-5 years, D-scoveries, Thoughts, Toddler Years

    7 Comments

    We’ve all seen them on the net. The creepy things toddlers say that makes you think they’ve lived another life as a serial killer or frightened the bajeezus out of you because ‘they see dead people.’

    We’ve had our own experiences that not only raised a curious eyebrow, but that eyebrow actually crept so far back over the top of my head, it actually disappeared down my ass crack for its own protection.

    There’s three instances in particular I’ll choose to focus on.

    Creepy Instance #1: The Phantom Footsteps

    For about two years now, Indy has mentioned a constant sound he hears, particularly at night. He says whenever he closes his eyes, he sees feet creeping and running around and that they make a kind of sshh-sshh-sshh sound as they walk. I mentioned one time that it was probably me coming in to check on his clock and put his snacks and water beside his bed for the morning, hoping that would make him feel better. Now he prefers I don’t do that so he doesn’t hear my footsteps. Only now, things have cranked up a notch… (more…)

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  • 5 THINGS THEY DON’T TELL YOU ABOUT BEING A DAD

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 0-6 months, 3-5 years, D-scoveries, The Baby Years, Thoughts, Tips, Toddler Years

    5 Comments

    Being a Dad is pretty awesome and there’s always a lot of advice and tips that people are always willing to give a first time Daddy-to-be. But there’s quite a few things that nobody ever told me about being a Dad which would have been handy to know in the beginning to properly prepare and psych myself for.

    So I’ve compiled a short list of things I’ve discovered myself and am willing to share with any Daddy newbies out there.

    Here’s a quick list of 5 things nobody tells you about being a Dad:

    1. Baby fingernails are sharper than adamantium claws.

    The only thing worse than hearing fingernails on a blackboard is having your cheeks, eyelids, lips and nostrils shredded to pieces by tiny razor-like Kruegeresque knives forged in the belly of a dragon at the bottom of a volcano.

    2. Despite what you think, babies are not as vulnerable as they look.

    Even though babies come into this world vulnerable and defenceless, it only takes a few months before their inherent self-defence ninja skills come to the fore. They may look incredibly cute and adorable lying in your arms as you gently rock them to sleep, but they can incapacitate an elephant simply by totally pinching the sh*t out of the skin on your neck with the strength and accuracy of a Vulcan warrior. (more…)

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  • TRUTH VS MAGIC: RUDOLPH OR REVELATION?

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2-3 years, Events, Thoughts, Toddler Years

    3 Comments

    I still remember the day my parents sat me down and told me the …[spoiler alert]…”truth”…about Santa.

    After they swept up all the glass, stemmed the bleeding from their ears and tilted the earth back on its correct axis, they came at me with both barrels…ie: the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. A triple shot to the head, heart and groin.

    I guess I can understand the theory behind it. Better to hear the truth from us than to hear it from someone else in the playground. And killing three-birds with one stone was kind of like the ‘rip off the bandaid, quick’ approach.

    So, I did what anyone else in my position at the time would have done.

    I jerked the steering wheel hard and sent us all careening off the Westgate Bridge, plummeting us all to our deaths…or so it felt like at the time.

    I was 35. (Actually, I was like, 12 I think?).

    All things considered, I took it pretty well.

    I’m kidding of course…I WAS DEVASTATED!!! (more…)

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  • RESULTS ARE IN…

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1st Trimester, Events, In the Womb, Thoughts, Ultrasound

    16 Comments

    Indy had just gone down for a nap and I was in the loo when I heard it. Not that, THAT…the shrill of Mumma’s ringtone. By the time I made it to the living room, my heart was already in my mouth, which is probably why I couldn’t breathe. Unless it had something to do with a certain There’s Something About Mary ‘frank’n’beans’ moment I had unwittingly recreated in my haste to zip up and hear the news.

    Through wincing eyes and bated breath, I was playing catchup. Having already missed part of the conversation, I had to extrapolate what I thought was being relayed down the phone by piecing together Mumma’s subtle facial expressions, body mannerisms and pupil dilations as she listened intently. Like trying to figure out what’s happening on LOST, when you’ve already missed the first two seasons, there’s just no way.

    Even if she did say something, there’s no way I could have heard it over the pounding of the pulse between my ears, like the guy swinging his hammer at the Rank Arena gong. And suddenly, all at once, there was a resounding SILENCE as she hung up the phone. The results are in… (more…)

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  • THE SEQUEL: HIGHS AND LOWS

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 0-6 months, D-scoveries, Events, In the Womb, The Baby Years, Thoughts, Ultrasound

    14 Comments

    Our journey into parenthood began a couple years ago with Four Little Words, “You’re f*#ng kidding me!” Now that we’re writing the sequel, there were actually zero words. Just shock. Open-mouthed, jaw dropping shock…for about a day and a half!

    The day before my birthday Mumma approached me on the couch and said, “Hold your hands out…”. Slightly confused and a little disappointed that whatever was behind her back was neither the size nor shape of golf clubs, when she placed the stick with two lines in my hand…my mind got carted for a six!

    Next thing I remember, it was Wednesday.

    Wow, for those who don’t know our story, we tried for 10 years to get pregnant. Endured 9 failed attempts of IVF, quite a few miscarriages and even a visit to a witch doctor but still no dice. We both turned 40 and decided it wasn’t to be, so we decided to have holidays instead of kids. We packed up and moved to Bali for 5 months and fell pregnant naturally with our miracle boy, Indy Wayan, within the first month of living there. Now, he’s just turned 22 months old and is the joy of our lives.

    Never ever in our wildest dreams did we ever expect to ever get pregnant again. EVER! It’s one of those things we always said, “if it happens, it happens”, and we always thought it would be lovely to have another kid, but we never truly actually believed it would (or even could), ever actually really happen. So yes, I was gobsmacked and totally paralysed internally.

    Can we really do this? Is it real? Indy was such a great baby, what if this one’s the devil or worse, barracks for Collingwood? What if it’s a girl? I know nothing about girls, I’m 43 years old now and still don’t understand women fully. What if it’s another boy? I love Indy so much, can I actually even love another baby? I’m considering going back to uni in July. Can we even afford another baby? How will Mumma cope? How will I cope? How will Indy cope? (more…)

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  • WELL, THIS JUST HAPPENED…

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 0-6 months, 1-2 years, D-scoveries, Events, In the Womb, The Baby Years, Thoughts

    18 Comments

    Never ever ever ever expected this to happen a second time.

    Will say more on this after I’ve had a little lay down…

    20140318-113517.jpg

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  • MY FIRST CHRISTMAS TREE

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1-2 years, Events, The Baby Years, Thoughts

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    As far as family traditions go, one of my favourites has always been decorating the Christmas tree. I remember as a kid, the excitement of pulling it out the box (I love the smell of plastic in the morning), and staring up in awe as it loomed over me like a giant redwood. Only to discover years later, that giant redwood became a bonsai as the tables were turned once I hit my teens.

    Many is the time I recall climbing up inside its branches and escaping its carnivorous plastic foliage relatively unharmed, which is more than I can say for Batman’s Boy Wonder sidekick, Robin. Every year I got a Batman and Robin playset with a Batmobile, Batboat and Copter, I would play with the tiny figurines inside the tree. And without fail, that tree would devour poor Robin without a trace within minutes of pulling him out of the box. I can’t say for certain how many Robin’s were consumed by that tree, but by the time I was a teenager the branches were only held together by sticky electrical tape and tiny skeletons.

    (more…)

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  • IRONINGMAN

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1-2 years, D-scoveries, Gadgets, Sponsored Posts, The Baby Years, Thoughts

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    Remember the time I revealed my super secret super-duper OCD powers? Well, like Tony Stark from The Avengers, IRONMAN (or should that be, IRONING MAN?), was put through his paces this week when I had the opportunity to test out the latest in the range of revolutionary steam generators (or whiz-bang, tricked-out steam irons), in the form of the Philips PerfectCare Aqua. And trust me, my OCD superpowers were definitely put to the test.

    Right off the bat when I opened the box, I was reminded of what Mumma thought first time she ever saw me naked…this thing was HUGE. But, pot-bellies aside…it was so big, Indy informed us he was moving out of home and into the cardboard box it came in…because he needed the extra room!

    Philips PerfectCare Aqua Box  Indy moves into his new apartment

    But when I had it all setup and ready to go, the iron itself is quite small and light, but it’s the huge water tank it’s attached to that makes up the bulk of the unit. It kind of resembles a space helmet like the one that Ed Harris wears filled with liquid oxygen in The Abyss. It’s more like an aquarium than a water tank. I’m not saying it’s big, but Indy did keep looking for Nemo.

    liquid oxygen helmet and iron station comparison

    I really do ‘loves me some technology’. Which is probably why our house glows after dark and our pyjamas resemble radiation suits. So, the space-agey look appeals greatly to me but…the revolutionary OptimalTemp technology, scares the bajeezuz out of my OCD. See, the thing about this steam iron is…it has NO SETTINGS. (more…)

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  • COCK-BLOCKER!

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1-2 years, D-scoveries, The Baby Years, Thoughts

    4 Comments

    If you’re unfamiliar with the term, a “cock-blocker” is somebody or something that interferes with a man’s intention and ability to get to ‘home plate’ with the respective object of his desire. In other words, prevents you from…gittin’ sum.

    And when you have a one year old child in your midst, then you know the last year has been a little lean in that regard. Suffice to say, ‘uninterrupted alone-time together’ is as rare as hen’s teeth, (or complimentary reviews about Lara Bingle.)

    And this past week has been a stark reminder that if calculations are off, even NASA can’t get the Space Shuttle safely through the re-entry window without an explosive shower of fire and debris. I’m no astronaut and it shouldn’t be rocket science to figure it out. It’s all about ‘timing’, so as a comedian, I should have that in spades. (more…)

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  • OCD OR NOCD? THAT IS THE QUESTION…

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 6-12 months, The Baby Years, Thoughts

    17 Comments

    As I was tidying up my son’s blocks, making sure that I had accounted for every last piece and aligned them accordingly into the designated receptacle so that, no two pieces of the same colour were grouped together in a way that would distract the eye, I had a realisation…

    ‘Is this genetic?’ Or is my OCD a product of my environmental upbringing?

    Okay, I’m not that bad…really. There’s nothing wrong with keeping my half of the closet, neatly organised is there? It’s not so unusual to match up pairs of socks, fold up all my clothes, distribute them into neatly organised piles on each shelf, sorted into different categories such as t-shirts, jeans, shorts and fold up my underwear into tucked up bundles…(wait, did he just say ‘fold up his underwear?’).

    And just because the shirts, jackets and hoodies hanging in my cupboard are grouped and organised according to length of sleeve and type of material, and that every coat hanger must point in the same direction and certain hangers allocated to particular shirts and jackets…doesn’t make it OCD, it’s just…‘tidiness’.

    And just because my usual morning breakfast routine consists of setting out plates, bowls and cups in a designated order and preparing and eating everything in an ordered and systematic approach…doesn’t make it OCD, it’s just…‘efficiency’.

    And just because I understand that if I heat the oven first, then peel the potatoes and boil them for approximately (See: ‘exactly’), 20 minutes, I can whack the garlic bread in for 16 minutes, cut up the carrot and zap it for 60 secs before throwing the zucchini in there for another 70 secs so the softness is consistent (but not til the garlic bread has 5 mins to go), and start on the schnitzel at the 10 minute mark, in order to get everything cooked and ready all at the exact same time…that’s not OCD, that’s just… ‘timing to perfection’. (more…)

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