Dad Mishaps Archives - Page 2 of 2 - The 40YrOldDad The 40YrOldDad

September 23

THUFFERING THUCOTASH

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 1-2 years, D-scoveries, Dad Mishaps, The Baby Years, Tips
2 Comments

23
SEP

‘Thith morning’ I had to wonder if our boy was 14 months old or 14 years old, as he displayed an uncharacteristic rebellious streak most often reserved for teenagers than toddlers. The type of rebelliousness that incorporates chains, tattoos and heavy metal rock bands. Spikey hair, Doc Martin boots and Alice Cooper makeup. Leather pants, torn jeans and mono-syllabic grunts with obscene hand gestures.

But for our boy, his rebellious weapon of choice…

‘Body Piercings’, in his case specifically…

HIS TONGUE.

And like most rebellious youths, rather than have a professional perform the gruesome task under strict sterilised conditions in a clean controlled environment, our Billy Idol wannabe opted for the ‘home job’ by piercing his own tongue (not with a sterilised needle), but with his very own…

(more…)
June 30

THE NEW ‘MILE-HIGH’ CLUB

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 6-12 months, D-scoveries, Dad Mishaps, Events, The Baby Years
3 Comments

30
JUN

Look, up in the sky! Is it a bird, is it a plane…

In case you weren’t aware, our son was originally conceived in Bali. You can read about it here. The video tape is available for download, as soon as I can work out how to get the tape back out of our old VCR. I’ve tried jemmying it out with an old bread-knife but it just won’t budge, maybe you just have to imagine it…wait…screw that! (That’s not helping, either. Move along, nothing to see here). So, now our boy is about to turn the big…ONE…we thought it only fair he gets to see Bali…from the outside.

Our three hour wait at the airport turned into five hours, once we learned that we had a plane ready for boarding, but no crew to fly the damn thing. True. Either there’s a shortage of pilots graduating from flying school, they slept in, were drunk at the bar (or heaven forbid), they got in the wrong airplane and after realising their error, jumped out at 20,000 feet. Or they saw a couple guys with moustaches and said, “Hey, what size shirt do you take? Do you like epaulettes?” At any rate, the airline gave us food vouchers and Indy entertained and charmed the irritated passengers with his show-off shenanigans in the Gate Lounge before we were finally underway. (Where on earth does he learn such behaviour?)

Around the 30 minute mark, the fear and terror gripped me… (more…)
June 2

MY SEED HAS SPRUNG!

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 6-12 months, Dad Mishaps, Events, The Baby Years
4 Comments

2
JUN

Wa-ho-ho-nilly! Dang…back in April I got all up in my backyard’s face (Spreading My Seed), and like the paparazzi, I was digging through whatever dirt I could get my hands on. Weeks of tending and nurturing have finally paid off as all that dirt has suddenly sprung up into a luxurious green lawn.

And how excited was Indy to explore his newfound sprawling jungle? He was so excited, he started pulling out chunks of grass by the handfuls…

“Noooo!!!”

Like a slow motion action hero, I sprang to my new baby’s rescue, (not my actual baby-baby, my new lawn-baby). Scooping Indy in my arms and pitch’n’rolling him to safety. Grinning broadly with his scraggly green victory spoils clenched tight between his tiny fingers. (more…)
April 13

WORLD’S GREATEST DAD?…WORLD’S BIGGEST HEEL

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 6-12 months, D-scoveries, Dad Mishaps, Thoughts
8 Comments

13
APR

It was a day I hoped would never come.

I’ve prided myself on being the cool calm collected one.

A dad so cool, the sun needs a sweater when it shines on me!

The dad who flows like water, who bends in the wind, goes with the flow and smells like teenspirit. (Wait…is that a cologne? I have no idea).

The kind of dad who exists only in family sitcoms. Loves his family, does crazy and outlandish things, quick with the funny remarks, dishes out sage worldly advice and never…ever…EVER…raises his voice in anger.

The kind of dad where Zen is my friend and karma is my confidanteė…

So, what went wrong? (more…)
April 1

THE NOTSO-FAST WEEKEND GETAWAY

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 6-12 months, Dad Mishaps, Events, The Baby Years
1 Comment

1
APR

Easter is synonymous for many things. Eggs, chocolate, rabbits, men with beards, hot cross buns, walking zombies and of course…traffic.

So, with that in mind, we decided to get a head start on the weekend and leave for Oma & Opa’s (a marathon 4.5hr drive interstate), on Thursday afternoon. That way, we hoped to avoid hirsute men of all descriptions and while Mumma packed the bags, I packed the car.

Cramming the last of the contents of a small European nation into our matchbox sized sedan (does he really need more than 1200 changes of clothes?) The “eye-roll” suggests, “yes”, the scowl suggests, “just keep packing and shut the hell up”. (more…)
January 29

HE SLIMED ME…

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 6-12 months, Dad Mishaps, Events, The Baby Years
8 Comments

29
JAN

If you’re a fan of the movie, Ghostbusters, then you will no doubt remember the scene when Egon and Ray stumble upon Peter Venkman, writhing on the floor in a glistening wet pool of ectoplasm following his first encounter with a real ghost, and uttered those inimitable and prophetic words…

“He slimed me…”

I say, prophetic, because fast forward to today, my official first day as Stay-At-Home Dad after Mumma returned to work today, and as I just finished giving my son his mid-morning bottle of “Chard-o-mamma”, I found myself uttering that exact same phrase. A few mls short of finishing off the bottle, he turned his face away in the same way you can’t look at the screen whenever Tori Spelling comes on the TV. I asked him if he needed to burp, and as I placed him upright in my lap, it sounded like he’d just released The Kraken. (more…)
December 5

STUPID NEWTON

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 0-6 months, Dad Mishaps, The Baby Years
2 Comments

5
DEC

On this day in 1666, Bert Newton’s younger brother, Sir Isaac Newton, discovered gravity when an apple fell on his head. (Okay, it might not have been this day exactly, but it certainly has a Wednesday “feel” about it). And subsequently, devised the theory of gravity that…

“What goes up…must come down.”

Obviously, Newton was not a father. Because if he knew anything at all about babies, then he should know the opposite is true…

“What goes down…almost always, at some point…must come back up!”

And so it was, that today, Indy discovered that Newton…

Was full of sh*t. (more…)
July 11

BATH TIME

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 0-6 months, Dad Mishaps, The Baby Years, Thoughts, Tips
No Comments

11
JUL

There’s something very spiritual about holding your newborn son in the palm of your hands and watching him melt between your fingers, like a Kit-Kat on a sunny day, as you wash the warm sudsy water across his tiny soapy body. That spiritual bond I felt when his eyes first opened, embraced me again like a soft warm blanket thrown lovingly round my shoulders.

He looks into my eyes as if to say…

“This is the greatest thing I’ve experienced on tour, so far.”

And the feeling is mutual.

This is definitely a “Daddy Moment”. Caring and nurturing the most precious life in your hands, and he places complete love and trust in yours.

And that unspeakable bond has taught myself an incredibly valuable lesson…

Dad Mishap #2…

When you’re washing your son’s little bottom in the bath, if his bottom is OUT of the water…
it means…his head is definitely IN it.

And when I say, unspeakable…I mean, (let’s never speak of this incident, ever again…ever). (more…)
July 8

GETTING TO KNOW YOU

AUTHOR: 40YrOldDad // CATEGORY: 0-6 months, Body Functions, Dad Mishaps, In the Womb, The Baby Years
4 Comments

8
JUL

Nothing can quite prepare you for your first encounter with your child. I really didn’t expect to be so attached to him. I kind of expected the feeling would be the same as when I meet other people’s kids…

You know, they’re fun and interesting…now, who’s for Cribbage…anyone?

But I can’t explain the change that occurs when he opens his eyes for the very first time and you lock eyes for…one minute. His tiny deep blue eyes scanning your face, peering deep into your soul. It touches you in a way that doesn’t require Investigative Journalism. Instead, it bonds you for life. Like Superglue and Araldite…(I loved their show in Vegas, btw).

And there’s no greater bonding experience between a man and his son, that makes you feel like…the worst dad on the planet, than when you’re changing his little nappy. And as you clear away his troubles, he looks up at you with the purest of love and trust that would melt Wolverine’s Adamantium claws. You turn to reach for a clean nappy…and that’s when the screams begin…you turn back with horror to see little Indy…

Peeing on his own face!

It makes your heart sink, and makes you want to run crying from the room like a school girl. But you have to suck it up “Mary-Ellen” (your nerve, that is…not the pee. Use a cloth for that…and wash your hands afterwards), because you’ve got to rebuild that bridge of trust. The one bonded by Superglue, which apparently can lift a one-tonne sedan with only 7 drops (I saw it on Mythbusters), yet, completely disintegrates under the influence of baby urine…go figure?

(more…)