BODY FUNCTIONS

  • MY FART MADE MY BOY CRY

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2-3 years, Body Functions, Dad Mishaps, Toddler Years

    6 Comments

    It seems rather ironic that I have written on numerous occasions about the horrid putrid fart or odours that have emanated from my son’s nappy. Well, today…that all came back to bite me on the bum (so to speak).

    We were awakened around 6:30am by a sweet cherub face who insisted on crawling into bed with us. Mumma sleeps near the door, giving her an uninterrupted pathway to the ensuite bathroom (which is an absolute necessity for a heavily pregnant woman), but it also means our boy needs crampons, rock climbing rope and possibly a Tibetan Sherpa to help him climb the mountain into our bed.

    Finding the task a little difficult to mount, he decided upon a much easier, but even worse option…to just climb in under the covers instead of going over the top. A decision that almost cost him his life! (more…)

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  • WELCOME TO NEUTERVILLE. POPULATION…ME!

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: Body Functions, D-scoveries, Events

    3 Comments

    When it comes to severing ties with those you hold nearest and dearest to your sack heart, you gotta weigh up your options. I had considered the Something About Mary home vasectomy kit, but when it comes to frank’n’beans, I opt for something a little less tearful to the eye and prefer to not end in the phrase, “We got a bleeder!”

    And being the open-minded fella that I am, I went with an Open-ended vasectomy.

    Which sounds like wrestling two garden hoses as they spray haphazardly out your trousers. Open-ended actually means the tubes are cut off and only one end is tied off. Your body still continues to produce sperm but it’s absorbed back into your body within 15 seconds. Kind of like when you dribble soup down your chin and quickly suck it back in before it drips on your cargo pants. Minus the slurping sound. It’s quick and scalpel-free. Best of all, I have a fully legitimate reason for literally being, SELF-ABSORBED.

    And my practitioner of choice…

    Dr Snip logo

    True dat! Dr Nicholas Demediuk (aka Dr Snip¬ģ), has performed over 20,000 vasectomies (and I thought I met a lot of ‘dicks’ in my profession). So he can pretty much do this with his eyes closed (but thankfully, doesn’t).

    It all begins at home the night before when I have to shave my own ‘region’. A little whipper-snip and back burning to bring the manscape back to bare. There’s a reason you don’t take selfies when you’re shaving for a vasectomy. None of the angles do you any favours. Oh, the indignity. I don’t think I breathed during the whole ordeal.

    Come game-day and a plaque on the wall reads, ‘Carpe Scrotum’ which if you know your Latin, is somewhat less than comforting (Seize the Scrotum). Man, I hope that’s a serving suggestion and not a direct order. Sounds like the Spartans war cry from ‘300’. However, Dr Nick assures me it’s less painful than going to the dentist, but then again, I never had a dentist pull teeth out through my scrotum. (more…)

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  • IT’S SNOT ME, IT’S YOU

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1-2 years, Body Functions, D-scoveries, The Baby Years, Uncategorized

    4 Comments

    When I was a kid, video tapes were all the rage. Especially those in the Horror genre. At least, it was for a thirteen year old teenager in the 80’s. By today’s standards, they’re probably more comedies than horror films. But you have to remember, a chainsaw cutting through a rubber arm or stop-motion skeletons with swords, was considered “cutting edge” special effects. (Pun definitely intended) ūüėČ

    None were more memorable for me, than the unforgettable movie monsters, such as The Thing, Pin-Head from Hellraiser, the deformed evil Siamese twin from Basket Case and of course, Freddy Kruger. But there is another legendary movie monster from my past, that has recently returned to haunt me…

    THE BLOB

    If you’re unfamiliar, The Blob was a creature from outer space that resembled a giant red booger that slimed it’s way through town, growing and consuming every living creature until it eventually covered everything in sight. And this past couple weeks, we’ve faced the unfortunate experience of battling this creature’s yellowy-greenish cousin, that has terrorized us (not from outer space), but from within…deep inner space. Specifically…

    INDY’S NOSE (more…)

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  • TEETHING – STOCKS LIMITED, GET YOUR’S TODAY

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 6-12 months, Body Functions, Events, The Baby Years

    1 Comment

    Oh man, teething… how cool is that? I mean, everybody tells you about it, but they forget to tell you just how absolute fun, it can be!

    Let’s play Baby Chefs. Where I’m an aspiring chef preparing you a lovely meal and you can be Gordon Ramsay, telling me it’s all sh*t, you’re having none of it and send it ALL back to the kitchen.

    Like guessing games? Okay…which cheek is redder?

    Or, the perennial favourite…throw up in a public place? The fun never stops!

    And productive, my god…totally!

    It’s great for your health. Forget aerobics, patooey to pilates, scrap the stairmaster and throw away your old exercise machine forever. Who needs a gym membership when you’ve got, teething! (more…)

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  • SYNCING OF YOU

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 6-12 months, Body Functions, Daipers, The Baby Years

    2 Comments

    I’ve heard that when women spend a lot of time living together that their¬†cycles start to sync,¬†but I never thought the same thing of men.

    Until today.

    My boy and I are spending so much time together that I suddenly realised,¬†my god…

    We’re on the same cycle!

    We sleep, we eat…(and poop)…all on the same cycle. Put it down to routine, male bonding or effective time management, but there in lies the dilemma of needing desperately to go at the exact same time you’re changing your son’s nappy. It’s either you or me kid…one of us has to go¬†(though, technically both of us).

    So, what’s a dad to do? (more…)

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  • VIP TREATMENT

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 0-6 months, Body Functions, Breast Feeding, Daipers, The Baby Years

    2 Comments

    Just like the sci-fi TV-Series Sliders, each week I feel like I’m thrust through an inter-dimensional portal, right into a brand new world that I never new existed. Only, instead of having a remote control timer that thrusts me into different dimensions and circumstances at the end of every episode, I have a kid…and parenthood…that pushes me through that door, instead.

    So, where did my portal take me this week?

    To a place of such extraordinary VIP Treatment, the likes of which is usually reserved for royalty and/or astronauts? A luxurious world where privacy, space and¬†convenience¬†meet. A world where modesty, companionship and radiation all flow into one. The fascinating world I speak of, is…

    The Baby Change Room (more…)

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  • GETTING TO KNOW YOU

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 0-6 months, Body Functions, Dad Mishaps, In the Womb, The Baby Years

    4 Comments

    Nothing can quite prepare you for your first encounter with your child. I really didn’t expect to be so attached to him. I kind of expected the feeling would be the same as when I meet other people’s kids…

    You know, they’re fun and interesting…now, who’s for Cribbage…anyone?

    But I can’t explain the change that occurs when he opens his eyes for the very first time and you lock eyes for…one minute. His tiny deep blue eyes scanning your face, peering deep into your soul. It touches you in a way that doesn’t require Investigative Journalism. Instead, it bonds you for life. Like Superglue and Araldite(I loved their show in Vegas,¬†btw).

    And there’s no greater bonding experience between a man and his son, that makes you feel like…the worst dad on the planet, than when you’re changing his little nappy. And as you clear away his troubles, he looks up at you with the purest of love and trust that would melt Wolverine’s Adamantium¬†claws. You turn to reach for a clean nappy…and that’s when the screams begin…you turn back with horror to see little Indy…

    Peeing on his own face!

    It makes your heart sink, and makes you want to run crying from the room like a school girl. But you have to suck it up “Mary-Ellen” (your nerve, that is…not the pee. Use a cloth for that…and wash your hands afterwards), because you’ve got to rebuild that bridge of trust. The one bonded by Superglue, which apparently can lift a one-tonne sedan with only 7 drops (I saw it on Mythbusters), yet, completely disintegrates under the influence of baby urinego figure?

    (more…)

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  • CH-CH-CH-CHANGES

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Body Functions, Thoughts

    4 Comments

    Week 37 which means our schnitzel is officially classified as FULL TERM. So, if he were to pop out into the world right now, he’d be fully formed and functioning. Two words that are ever rarely associated with my brain, especially at the ripe old middle-age of 2191.3 weeks!

    And even though our son is due in 3 weeks time, the reality is…like a train without a timetable or a teenage boy losing his virginity…he could “arrive” at any moment!!

    And it will change our lives FOREVER!

    And as a new dad-to-be, you gotta get used to that word…

    “CHANGE”

    Because they’re coming thick’n’fast, whether you’re ready for them or not. ¬†As these music artists so readily point out:

    Change The World by Eric Clapton. Chill Out, Things Gonna Change by John Lee Hooker.¬†Change My Way Of Living by The Allman Brothers Band. Changes by David Bowie. Winds Of Change by Jefferson Starship. I Know I’ve Been Changed by John Hammond Jr. There’s Gotta Be A Change by Jonny Lang. Victim Of Changes by Judas Priest. Change It by Stevie Ray Vaughan. Perpetual Change by Yes.

    When my love first announced she was pregnant, I was fully expecting some changes, however, I wasn’t fully prepared for just how BIG those changes would get. Especially when it comes to the size of her belly…Wow! (more…)

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  • CRAMPING MY STYLE

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Body Functions

    1 Comment

    Week 23 and it’s at this point, I discover two things:

    My wife has to now reassess her spatial awareness,¬†and I have…a new job.

    Dribbling food down the front of your shirt was hazardous in the past, and even more so, if you have a beach ball in front of you.

    Which is why you should avoid the sworn enemy of the clean flowy skirt

    “The hot jam donut”

    For a man, it’s pretty easy to lean forward and miss your shirt entirely. For a woman, once you clear the Himalayas, you’re pretty much in the clear. But now that you’ve added the extension to the front room, not even the hot-shoe-shuffle is gymnastics enough to avoid looking like the latest victim of a Wes Craven slasher flick, as¬†you waddle slowly into the ladies room with jam down your arm and what looks like, an alien exploded out of your chest.

    Soon, we’ll have to attach those little flags to the edge of her belly so she can see where it ends.

    (more…)

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  • FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Body Functions

    1 Comment

    Our little tenant turns Sweet 16...(Weeks, that is), which means we have plenty of things to celebrate.

    There’s an old saying, “It’s hard to keep a good man down”, well, in my beautiful lady’s case, the same can be said for food.

    But thankfully, at this stage in the game…

    The “sicks” have finally left the building…

    Which means, my lovely lady can finally enjoy…

    “Food, glorious food!”

    There’s nothing so satisfying or brings a tear to the eye more than the enjoyment of watching your loved one crawl into the belly of a wild boarand eat her way out. Oh, the joy! To finally order and finish a pizza with the lot…chairs, tables…everything. To see the waiter cringe nervously and patrons run screaming for their lives at the “all-you-can-eat buffet”. Makes a man feel proud ūüôā (more…)

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