3RD TRIMESTER

  • ONLY THE LONELY

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, In the Womb, Thoughts

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    Week 41What gives? He should be here by now.

    Officially, our little schnitzel is D-Day +7(and counting). I’ve heard of things getting lost in the mail, but lost in the fe-male? Come on!

    So, today we head in for some CTG monitoring. That’s when they hook up some electrodes to a car battery and try and jump start the car…it isn’t? My bad. It’s when they get creepy looking KGB agents in dark suits with outdated spy equipment and huge earmuffs, to monitor what’s going on inside the womb and report back to the Kremlin.

    Or...somewhere in between.

    Basically, they monitor what’s going on inside…“Hey, wasuup li’l man?” and check the placenta is doing what it’s supposed to do. There’s nothing worse than an undisciplined placenta, I’ve always said that. So…

    “For Pete’s sake. Sit up straight and do what you’re supposed to do! Okay?” — wow, it’s like I can hear my Grandfather yelling at his own uncooperative little man, in bed after a few too many wines, all over again.

    Then, we’re scheduled for an internal exam tomorrow…(damn, I haven’t studied or anything. I asked if any of this was going to be on the test and they said…no), and then they’ll schedule him in for an induction. Which initially, I was extremely excited about, before learning that “induction” is NOT a form of suction cup boot for specifically walking inside, on the ceiling. (more…)

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  • KNOCK KNOCK!

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, In the Womb, Thoughts

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    D-Day +6(and counting).

    KNOCK KNOCK
    Who’s there?
    Steel.
    Steel WHO?
    Steel waiting.

     

    KNOCK KNOCK
    Who’s there?
    Wino.
    Wino WHO?
    Wino baby yet?

    KNOCK KNOCK
    Who’s there?
    Yousef.
    Yousef WHO?
    Yousef#*ng big, why he not come out before you explode?

    KNOCK KNOCK
    Who’s there?
    Ouch.
    Ouch WHO?
    Ouch ya get!!

    KNOCK KNOCK
    Who’s there?
    Willy.
    Willy WHO?
    Willy ever come out?

    KNOCK KNOCK
    Who’s there?
    Snuff.
    Snuff WHO?
    Snuff already, get out here. (more…)

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  • BRING IT ON!!

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, In the Womb, Thoughts

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    D-Day +5(and counting).

    Five days past our due date which means…you have to give him points for consistency.

    Punching the air, picketing away with a little sign over his shoulder…

    “Hell no, we won’t go! Hell no, we won’t go!”

    Gotta love his stick-to-ed-ness…and yes, we get it. Both mumagement and dadagement will take your views under advisement, but in order to discuss things further at the negotiating table, you first have to come to the table. Which is outside, so…get on with it! (For your own safety, you understand).

    We’ve explored all the “recommended” methods of bringing it on like walking, spicy foods, pineapple, accupressure, certain stimulations of certain areas that at one point, were part of daddy’s playground but will soon be delivery methods for your sustenance once you’re out.

    But we’re getting to the pointy end of the stick, when daddy is starting to come up with his own methods of bringing you on. And some of the ideas that go through my head, didn’t exactly work out for a certain Wile E. Coyote.

    NON-RECOMMENDED methods of bringing things on:

    #1: High-dive platform diving

    #2: Running (or rolling) over hot coals

    #3: Mosh pit/stage diving (more…)

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  • HOSTAGE CRISIS!

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, In the Womb, Thoughts

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    D-Day +3 (and counting).

    Holy crap, it’s been three days since our schnitzel was due, but it seems he’s holed himself up inside and we’re faced with a hostage crisis.

    Someone get Denzel Washington on the line, we need a hostage negotiator extraordinaire to hopefully coax him out.

    Not quite sure what his demands are, it’s hard to read his handwriting. And we also need an interpreter. Tell me, do phrenologists only read the bumps on people’s heads or can they also read the bumps on a pregnant woman’s stomach?

    The waiting is excruciating. It’s worse than watching the Boxing Day Test, or queuing up at the DMV, or worse still…waiting for one line or two on the little pee stick. Wow, that seems like it was an eternity ago. Feels like my love has been pregnant…

    “FOREVER” (more…)

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  • GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, In the Womb, Thoughts

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    D-Day +2(and counting).

    What is it with kids and their reluctance to move out? That’s his problem…no independence.

    Honestly, he’s behaving more like a skulky teenager than a baby. Complete disregard for anything we have to say and never comes out of his room!

    When are we gonna meet this little guy? Surely he’s not just “imaginary” like Fairies, Santa Claus or Daryl Sommers?

    I did have a dream last night that a somewhat short, rotund Indian doctor type person (I say “doctor” because he was wearing a long white coat. He may also just as easily have been a dentist, lab technician, evil scientist, football goal umpire or…a “flasher”. But I’m more comfortable just to go with “doc”). However, he was not so much McDreamy, as he was McPuddingPop.

    So, McPuddingPop was scrawling numbers down in a type of ledger. (The kind you write numbers in, not the type that puts his lipstick on crooked and torments Batman). I look over his shoulder and see the following…

    7lbs 4oz/52cm

    Now, I don’t actually know if those numbers equate to anything in the real world, but in McPuddingPop speak, he said, “It’s a boy. 7lbs 4oz with an overall length of 52cm.” I remember thinking, “Wow, he’s outdone me by at least a couple centimetres. What about the rest of him, how much does that weigh?” (more…)

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  • ARE WE THERE YET?

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Thoughts

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    Week 40 and today is…

    the DAY!!!

    maybe?

    We’re all primed and ready. The nursery is good to go, the change table is stocked to capacity, the car seat’s installed and the bags are all packed. Only one thing missing…

    The baby!

    The oven timer has officially gone off, but the light must be out inside the oven because there’s just no way we can see inside to see if he’s done. Well, nothing that doesn’t involve a snorkel, a penlight and some swimming goggles at least. And sitting between her legs waving a rattle or jiggling keys has no effect on him whatsoever, but does make the other customers in the chemist checkout, a little squeamish.

    And then of course, there’s the aches and pains, the shortness of breath and constant moaning to deal with.

    Not hers…mine.

    Damn head cold (which is why we were at the chemist in the first place). There were a couple of niggling pains this morning when we were there (which did get me momentarily excited!!!), but nothing beyond that.

    So, we’re still at home playing the waiting game. We’ve tried plenty of advice for bringing him on. Walking around, crawling on all fours, acupressure ’til my fingers went numb, raspberry leaf tea and even SEX. (more…)

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  • INCIDENT REPORT

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Thoughts

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    I received this message today from my lovely wife.

    It was way too funny not to share.

    Hello beautiful husband, 
    I am not allowed to message you at work in case you think I am going into labour, but I need to tell you something before you come home, so here’s hoping you check Facebook …..
    There may have been an incident at home today … in which some of your chocolate went missing ….
    I blame the baby.
    Love you 🙂
    xxx

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  • RIPLEY’S BELIEVE IT OR NOT

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, In the Womb, Thoughts

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    Week 39 and only 7 days to go!!

    Although, statistically speaking, only 5% of babies arrive on time. 75% usually arrive late and the remaining 20% early. So, it’s hard to know just how he’s keeping time exactly. Whether he’s going by Daylight Savings, Greenwich Meantime or my wife’s biological clock. It would make everything so much easier if he could just schedule something in, so we can adjust ourselves accordingly. It’s like receiving a package from TOLL DIRECT, when they ring you before hand and say, “your package will be delivered sometime between June 16 and July 4th…between the hours of 9am and 11pm.” Oh, great…perfect!

    On top of that, my lovely wife has battled a dreadful cold, all week. Prepping us both for sleep deprivation. Up all night coughing, standing over the laundry basket in case she coughs a little too hard…and shoots the little tacker out!

    (Okay, that may not exactly be true) BUT…she did dream last night that she was actually having the baby and she could see the head sticking out! We had to drive to the hospital while it called out directions from the GPS! (Okay, once again, I made up the part about the GPS)…BUT…she did dream it was coming and had to try and hold it back in.

    He’s getting very active now, and because he’s getting bigger every day, whenever he moves around inside my wife’s belly, it’s like it moves her whole body.

    Which makes me wonder about how cool it would be if babies could actually control your entire body when they’re in the womb. Kind of like Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) inside her hydraulic exoskeleton in the movie, Aliens. (more…)

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  • WORD OF THE WEEK

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Thoughts, Tips

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    It’s amazing how many new words pop into your vocabulary when you’re expecting to become a dad. And you never know where these words are going to come from.

    It’s been such a learning experience and I learned a brand new word the other day…

    “Infanticide.”

    What a cool word…“infanticide”. I thought, that must be when kids dream of what they want to be when they grow up.

    “What are you doing little Johnny?”

    “I’m infanticiding about being a Policeman when I grow up.”

    “Oh, how cute.”

    But… (more…)

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  • BIRTH OF A COMEDIAN

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Thoughts

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    Week 39, and only 8 days until our schnitzel’s scheduled arrival.

    I cast my mind back to 5 years ago, when I performed this improvised opening to a show I did in Mornington, Victoria.

    Hopefully for our little bloke, his arrival will be somewhat less traumatic.

    I couldn’t imagine anything more embarrassing than my wife giving birth live on stage before a crowd of laughing strangers…(other than being married to me, of course).

    Cue Barbara Streisand: “Memories…” 

    Or dare I say…Prophesy?

    For all our sakes, I hope NOT. (more…)

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