2ND TRIMESTER

  • THE SEX NAZI: NO SEX FOR YOU!

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Events, In the Womb, Ultrasound

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    We had our 20 week scan and got to see our beautiful girl doing tumble turns in the oven. It’s a marvel of technology to be able to see everything going on inside. That’s the humerus…“Gee, I thought it’d be funnier?” I said. The stenographer smiled politely. Mumma topped me without missing a beat…“we thought you would be, too.” Then high-fived each other with their eyes. It was a good call, but stung like a prick to the testes.

    Our gal is growing marvellously and we couldn’t be happier. The placenta is a little low, and seeing as we have no experience in cheering one up, we have to get another scan at 32 weeks to ensure it’s not obstructing the birth canal. That will determine whether or not she takes the natural route or gets ejected through the skylight.

    We followed that up today with a visit to the Midwife clinic, where we had a couple followers of our own. A friend from our Mothers group and a friend of Mumma’s sister, both midwifery students, accompanying and observing our appointments. It’s a little unusual to hear the Doctor call out your wife’s name…and four people get up and walk in! Like Bill Paxton and his ‘Big Love’ Mormon Wives. Our own private entourage. (more…)

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  • SECRET MAN’S BUSINESS

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Thoughts

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    Week 27 and the realisations of expecting a boy are really starting to filter through my mind.

    A lot of his lessons in life, will rest squarely on my shoulders. Things like…

    I’m going to have to teach him how to use…public toilets.

    Navigating the minefield of disgusting unsanitary hazards of neanderthals, whose care for basic human hygiene is as carefree as a six year old running through a lawn sprinkler. Learning the difference between a urinal and a hand basin (my younger brother made that fatal mistake around the age or 4 or 5). How to avoid stepping in other people’s “puddles” and avoiding stray pubic hairs and droplets on the seat. Laying paper on the seat before you sit and try not to panic when the toilet water splashes up against your undercarriage. Never look at another man’s junk and most importantly, don’t eat the urinal cakesthey’re not lollies.

    And it doesn’t stop there. There’s also… (more…)

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  • IF YOU BUILD IT, HE WILL COME

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Thoughts

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    Never before has my life had even an inkling of baby stuff in it.

    And may I point out, my replica Delorean with flashing lights and sound effects, my remote controlled Dalek, my Superman money box and my miniature Tardis that flashes just before my mobile phone goes off…

    Are not baby stuff…okay!!

    They are MAN things, in a MAN’s room…

    (Okay, maybe the stuffed Daffy Duck plush toy is a little bit…”nyeah?”)

    But they’re the representation and culmination of lifelong dreams of a MAN…(this man, in particular). And may I also point out that they are high on a shelf well out the way of fiendish little fingers (yes, my wife can’t reach them)…or little schnitzel chicken fingers, once they arrive.

    But now, just like an infestation of termites, the baby stuff creeps its way in slowly but surely. (more…)

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  • CRAMPING MY STYLE

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Body Functions

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    Week 23 and it’s at this point, I discover two things:

    My wife has to now reassess her spatial awareness, and I have…a new job.

    Dribbling food down the front of your shirt was hazardous in the past, and even more so, if you have a beach ball in front of you.

    Which is why you should avoid the sworn enemy of the clean flowy skirt

    “The hot jam donut”

    For a man, it’s pretty easy to lean forward and miss your shirt entirely. For a woman, once you clear the Himalayas, you’re pretty much in the clear. But now that you’ve added the extension to the front room, not even the hot-shoe-shuffle is gymnastics enough to avoid looking like the latest victim of a Wes Craven slasher flick, as you waddle slowly into the ladies room with jam down your arm and what looks like, an alien exploded out of your chest.

    Soon, we’ll have to attach those little flags to the edge of her belly so she can see where it ends.

    (more…)

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  • TWENTY-ONE TODAY…TWENTY-ONE TODAY!

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Thoughts

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    Can’t believe our little schnitzel is growing up so fast. It seemed like only yesterday he was just an egg, now he’s suddenly 21…

    Weeks! (that is).

    It’s about now, my mind clicks into overdrive!

    We’re creating a whole human beingfrom nothing!

    This is the kind of stuff, that “God” person, wrote about in that really old book, what was it…

    Where Do Babies Come From?

    Now’s the time for weird thoughts to start creeping into my head. Thoughts like…

    Am I god? God is the creator, I created, therefore…I AM GOD!

    Then my beautiful angel reminds me…

    “Ah, you know we’re having a baby, right? It’s not all about you!” (more…)

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  • IT’S A SCHNITZEL!!

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, In the Womb, Ultrasound

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    That’s right folks…we’re having a boy!

    I was going to video our reactions when we got to peek in the oven and find out just Who’s Cooking, but I was way too nervous with excitement to film it. As you can clearly tell

    The wonder of technology nowadays is astounding. Being able to see a 3D version of what the baby looks like, and we didn’t even have to wear those stupid 3D glasses. I kind of feel a bit foolish for bringing mine…and wearing them! (But then, I should never have left my driving glasses at home).

    Everything looks just great! Everything in tact; fingers, toes, facial features all present and accounted for and most importantly, all in the right place. And inside, everything is going according to plan; brain, kidneys, heart…the kid’s a natural.

    And there’s no denying he’s a schnitzel, alright. On account of his little Wiener. (more…)

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  • LIVE AND KICKING!

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester

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    The Midwives told us we could expect to feel kicking around Week 20.

    Today is Week 20 and at 7.51am on this lazy Sunday morning, my beautiful bride takes my hand, places it firmly on her belly and…

    Touchdown!

    Whoa! Right on schedule…

    Nothing quite prepares you for the first time you feel your schnitzel/elle kick!

    I just hope our schnitzel/elle doesn’t pop out into the world and be like…

    “Oh sorry, I thought I had two mothers? What, with the high pitched squeals and all.”

    Yes. I squealed like a girl. In one tiny instant, a fully grown man had suddenly become… (more…)

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  • PERCEPTIONS

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Thoughts

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    Amazing how my perceptions have changed.

    Driving my love to work this morning, a news report on the radio reported a young woman was sexually assaulted in the street this morning.

    I turned to my incubator and said…

    “Who does that? That’s somebody’s daughter!”

    And I teared up a little last week when I watched a TV show where a father was fighting to save his son and…

    …I got it!

    Even though our schnitzel/elle is still in the oven, I finally get that connection between parents and their kids.

    Ahhh…what’s happening to me???

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  • 1ST THINGS 1ST

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Thoughts

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    It’s been a week of firsts for me.

    1st visit to the Maternity Clinic.

    Starting reading my 1st book on parenting.

    Our 1st visit to the Baby Train, an enormous Baby Superstore. That’s a place where new expectant dad’s can lie down unexpectedly on the floor, while the overwhelming world of baby products and their prices, swoons all around you.

    I had no idea just how much things cost, it’s like…

    Wow! It’s how much?…Does a robot come with that?

    We’re making a baby, not building the Six Million Dollar Man! (more…)

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  • SCHNITZEL OR SCHNITZELLE?

    AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Ultrasound

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    Week 19 and we are one week away from knowing whether or not we have a schnitzel or a schnitzelle cooking in the oven.

    It’s really exciting and nerve-racking all at the same time. I don’t know whether to jump for joy or pee my pants. Probably best not to do both, I’m sure there’ll be plenty of that behaviour once the oven timer “dings”.

    We visited the Maternity Clinic this week. I’ve never seen so many pregnant women in one place! My lovely angel whispered in my ear…

    “You okay? I know how excited you get around pregnant women!”

    Damn, and I’d left my apron at home as well.

    I was totally surrounded. I felt like the odd man out at The Biggest Loser auditions. Still, it’s kind of comforting to know this “pregnancy” thing, seems to happen all the time, so it feels like we’re in good hands.

    The Midwives seem extremely lovely and supportive, our Doctor on the other hand (still lovely and supportive), but very “old school”, in that, she pulled the curtain across in front of me in the examination room so I couldn’t “see the show”. I felt like a dirty perve listening outside the shower curtain, made worse by the fact I was breathing heavily and rubbing my hands together. (Well, I did have to run out to move the car before my parking expired). (more…)

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