We had our 20 week scan and got to see our beautiful girl doing tumble turns in the oven. It’s a marvel of technology to be able to see everything going on inside. That’s the humerus…“Gee, I thought it’d be funnier?” I said. The stenographer smiled politely. Mumma topped me without missing a beat…“we thought you would be, too.” Then high-fived each other with their eyes. It was a good call, but stung like a prick to the testes.
Our gal is growing marvellously and we couldn’t be happier. The placenta is a little low, and seeing as we have no experience in cheering one up, we have to get another scan at 32 weeks to ensure it’s not obstructing the birth canal. That will determine whether or not she takes the natural route or gets ejected through the skylight.
We followed that up today with a visit to the Midwife clinic, where we had a couple followers of our own. A friend from our Mothers group and a friend of Mumma’s sister, both midwifery students, accompanying and observing our appointments. It’s a little unusual to hear the Doctor call out your wife’s name…and four people get up and walk in! Like Bill Paxton and his ‘Big Love’ Mormon Wives. Our own private entourage.
Routinely moving through the results of the ultrasound, our Doctor reminded us of the precautions we need to take as a result of the low-lying placenta. It was really hard to hear everything over the piercing white-noise ringing through my head after precaution number two. The Doctor sensed my dismay when he saw my eyebrows fly off my forehead…Say that again? If there hadn’t been a desk between us, I’m sure he would have thrown a supportive arm around my shoulders as he gravely repeated…
That’s when all hell broke loose. No intercourse?! But I’m getting a vasectomy tomorrow and they said it takes at least 12 times to be fully clear! An exasperated Mumma laughed, “It doesn’t have to be with me!” Great, let’s get a professional in here then! — I yelled. Realising what she just said, Mumma corrected herself, “I mean, it does have to be me and ONLY me, but you can do it yourself you know.” It was hard to see our midwifery entourage beyond their blushing cheeks and the whole room erupted in embarrassed laughter.
It was really great to see a Doctor struggle with his need to remain professional and an urge to reveal a sense of humour. I know, I’ve tried to crack through that veneer on many occasions and was convinced prior to this, that Doctors have absolutely no sense of humour. Like the time I woke from a colonoscopy and when asked how I felt, I said I was fine except my ovaries really hurt. The confused Doctors looked at me and said, “you don’t have any ovaries.” To which I then yelled out, “Oh my god, they took my ovaries!”
But this Doc renewed my faith in humanity when he said, “Your wife’s right…it doesn’t need to be with her.” Then gave me a cheeky wink. Before Mumma could retort, he disappeared back into stoic Doctor mode and said, “In Japan, men often spend a few sessions in a hot sauna. Heat also helps to kill the sperm.” The old bait’n’switch. Thought he was leading us down one road then turned at the last second. Classic.
So, if I can’t find a sauna to heat up my boys over the next 5 months, I might have to tea-bag in my tea cup instead? What a great way to celebrate my impending trip to neuterville, no sex for the rest of the year. Isn’t that the whole purpose of a vasectomy in the first place? To reduce the chance of getting pregnant? Oh, the irony is making my balls itch. Or maybe that’s just the shaving for tomorrow?
I think this pic of my little gal shows she empathises with my situation…Aaaaaaaarrghhh!