THE SEX NAZI: NO SEX FOR YOU!

  • AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 2nd Trimester, Events, In the Womb, Ultrasound

    17 Comments

    We had our 20 week scan and got to see our beautiful girl doing tumble turns in the oven. It’s a marvel of technology to be able to see everything going on inside. That’s the humerus…“Gee, I thought it’d be funnier?” I said. The stenographer smiled politely. Mumma topped me without missing a beat…“we thought you would be, too.” Then high-fived each other with their eyes. It was a good call, but stung like a prick to the testes.

    Our gal is growing marvellously and we couldn’t be happier. The placenta is a little low, and seeing as we have no experience in cheering one up, we have to get another scan at 32 weeks to ensure it’s not obstructing the birth canal. That will determine whether or not she takes the natural route or gets ejected through the skylight.

    We followed that up today with a visit to the Midwife clinic, where we had a couple followers of our own. A friend from our Mothers group and a friend of Mumma’s sister, both midwifery students, accompanying and observing our appointments. It’s a little unusual to hear the Doctor call out your wife’s name…and four people get up and walk in! Like Bill Paxton and his ‘Big Love’ Mormon Wives. Our own private entourage.

    Routinely moving through the results of the ultrasound, our Doctor reminded us of the precautions we need to take as a result of the low-lying placenta. It was really hard to hear everything over the piercing white-noise ringing through my head after precaution number two. The Doctor sensed my dismay when he saw my eyebrows fly off my forehead…Say that again? If there hadn’t been a desk between us, I’m sure he would have thrown a supportive arm around my shoulders as he gravely repeated…

    No intercourse…”

    That’s when all hell broke loose. No intercourse?! But I’m getting a vasectomy tomorrow and they said it takes at least 12 times to be fully clear! An exasperated Mumma laughed, “It doesn’t have to be with me!” Great, let’s get a professional in here then! — I yelled. Realising what she just said, Mumma corrected herself, “I mean, it does have to be me and ONLY me, but you can do it yourself you know.” It was hard to see our midwifery entourage beyond their blushing cheeks and the whole room erupted in embarrassed laughter.

    It was really great to see a Doctor struggle with his need to remain professional and an urge to reveal a sense of humour. I know, I’ve tried to crack through that veneer on many occasions and was convinced prior to this, that Doctors have absolutely no sense of humour. Like the time I woke from a colonoscopy and when asked how I felt, I said I was fine except my ovaries really hurt. The confused Doctors looked at me and said, “you don’t have any ovaries.” To which I then yelled out, “Oh my god, they took my ovaries!”

    But this Doc renewed my faith in humanity when he said, “Your wife’s right…it doesn’t need to be with her.” Then gave me a cheeky wink. Before Mumma could retort, he disappeared back into stoic Doctor mode and said, “In Japan, men often spend a few sessions in a hot sauna. Heat also helps to kill the sperm.” The old bait’n’switch. Thought he was leading us down one road then turned at the last second. Classic.

    So, if I can’t find a sauna to heat up my boys over the next 5 months, I might have to tea-bag in my tea cup instead? What a great way to celebrate my impending trip to neuterville, no sex for the rest of the year. Isn’t that the whole purpose of a vasectomy in the first place? To reduce the chance of getting pregnant? Oh, the irony is making my balls itch. Or maybe that’s just the shaving for tomorrow?

    I think this pic of my little gal shows she empathises with my situation…Aaaaaaaarrghhh!

    Our gal at 20 weeks
     

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COMMENTS

17 Responses to The Sex Nazi: No Sex For You!

  • Genna Burnsl wrote on July 3, 2014 at 10:50 // Reply

    Oh my god. They took my ovaries! It’s taken me five minutes to compose myself and wipe away the tears of laughter and actually write this comment πŸ™‚ bloody hilarious. But on a serious note, hope all runs smoothly tomorrow.

    • 40YrOldDad wrote on July 3, 2014 at 10:58 // Reply

      That’s a true story, Genna. Mumma was in the waiting room and could hear me all the way out there. One of many stories I could tell. Thanks for your support and I hope it goes smoothly tomorrow too.

  • autumn wrote on July 4, 2014 at 1:55 // Reply

    HAHA you are too funny, Justin! Loved every word!! Good luck tomorrow! πŸ™‚

    • 40YrOldDad wrote on July 4, 2014 at 7:23 // Reply

      A nervous cheers, Jersey πŸ˜‰

  • Luke wrote on July 4, 2014 at 2:25 // Reply

    Michelle’s placenta was lying a little low during the early ultrasounds as well, but it moved out of the way on its own. I assume Logan just kicked the hell out of it until it retreated out of fear.

    • 40YrOldDad wrote on July 4, 2014 at 7:26 // Reply

      That’s good news (for Mumma), but what about the ‘real issue’ of no sex? Did you have to abstain too, Luke? πŸ˜‰

  • Alex wrote on July 4, 2014 at 2:34 // Reply

    Genius!

    “Oh my God! You took my ovaries!” left some tea on the screen!

    • 40YrOldDad wrote on July 4, 2014 at 2:37 // Reply

      And I came up with that coming out of anaesthetic. Imagine when I’m lucid! Cheers, Alex.

  • Ma wrote on July 5, 2014 at 2:02 // Reply

    As usual lol, i only just read this re…..The confused Doctors looked at me and said, β€œyou don’t have any ovaries.” To which I then yelled out, β€œOh my god, they took my ovaries!”
    shades of embarrassing but funny moments in a hospital pretending to b retarded lol lol

    • 40YrOldDad wrote on July 5, 2014 at 2:08 // Reply

      You’ve know me my whole life Ma, what else would you expect from me in a ‘stuffy’ hospital environment? It’s just fruit for the picking as far as embarrassing comedy goes πŸ˜‰

  • Justin Knight wrote on July 6, 2014 at 11:56 // Reply

    The term “drought” doesn’t even cover this!

    • 40YrOldDad wrote on July 6, 2014 at 12:09 // Reply

      Indeed, Justin. However the terms, “irony”, “dramatic irony” and “irony, what the hell are you doing to me?!!” seem to cover it quite well.

  • brucedevereaux wrote on July 6, 2014 at 12:03 // Reply

    Ovaries line is a cracker!! lol

    • 40YrOldDad wrote on July 6, 2014 at 12:06 // Reply

      What can I say Bruce, I do my best work under anaesthetic πŸ˜‰

  • Thomo85 wrote on July 10, 2014 at 1:16 // Reply

    Only a week ago I received the bad news. My wife was still on the operating table having just been stapled up when the doctor told her that I needed the snip. What the hell did that have to do with anything? Apparently the surgery was another complicated one and he didn’t think another one would be safe.

    • 40YrOldDad wrote on July 10, 2014 at 2:10 // Reply

      That’s a tough way to get the news, Luke. At least I’d made the decision to get snipped for myself, on my own terms, so that I don’t end up as a 50YrOldDad with a toddler running around. It’s a shame you’re on the other side of the country, I would certainly recommend Dr.Snip. Perhaps he could recommend someone over in Perth, perhaps?

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