5 POOS NOBODY TELLS YOU ABOUT

  • AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 1-2 years, D-scoveries, Daipers, Friday Five Funny, The Baby Years, Tips

    14 Comments

    As a new parent, friends and family are always quick to inundate you with horrendous poo stories from other parents. We’ve all been warned to expect the ‘Krakatoa’ poo explosion, but there’s a few other poo types I’ve D-scovered along the way that nobody ever warned me about.

    So, here’s a list of 5 poos that nobody ever told you about…

    1. The ‘Comprehensive’ Poo
    Similar to the Krakatoa Poo, except that it’s completely contained within the nappy and comprehensive, because it covers quite a large area and (thankfully), just laps at the edges. Phew…you just dodged a bullet.

    2. The ‘I Just Changed Your Nappy A Minute Ago’ Poo
    This is when you ‘um’ and ‘ah’ over whether or not to change the nappy because it’s been a while since the last change, but they haven’t had a poo that day. Sure enough, within a minute or two of deciding to change it, there’s a steamy deposit mocking you as you throw your fist at the sky and plead, “Why didn’t you do that a minute ago?!”

    3. The ‘So You Think You’re Getting Out The Door On Time’ Poo
    The car is packed, the nappy bag sorted, you’ve chased and wrestled for 15 mins to get their shoes on and dressed to go. A look at the clock and you’re bang on time…YES! You strap them into their car seat and that’s when it hits you…NO! That steamy waft and that cherub grin. Like they’ve planned it the whole time. But no need to call ahead, you’ve got a toddler now, nobody expects you to be on time for anything anymore EVER now, anyway.

    4. The ‘Incomplete’ Poo
    This is the one you find when things are finally starting to firm up. You open the nappy to find a partial log…HALF STICKING OUT! You have to snap it off like a tree branch then dig carefully around for the rest of it.

    5. The ‘Pepé Le Pew’ Poo
    This is a runny, smelly explosion that not only fills the entire nappy, it also leaves a gruesome faecal stripe right up their back. Removal of such a poo is not for the light of stomach as a putrid wrenching stench often accompanies it. Your best plan of attack, is to strip yourself naked, escort your baby with you to the shower and hose each other down as you peel the baby’s clothes off like a rotted banana. Burning of such garments are optional.

    **WARNING: The stench from the Pepé Le Pew can be so noxious you may be required to move house or even postcodes.

    I hope that sheds some light on what to expect when you’re expecting…“number two’s” from your little one.

    This has been a Friday Five Funny from The 40YrOldDad

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COMMENTS

14 Responses to 5 Poos Nobody Tells You About

  • Kat wrote on May 30, 2014 at 6:09 // Reply

    Oh my god, that’s my god son right there! Thanks for the giggles!

    • 40YrOldDad wrote on May 30, 2014 at 6:17 // Reply

      Glad I could accommodate, Kat. In fact, I discovered the ‘incomplete’ just today! That was some weird sh*t 😉

  • mumabulous wrote on May 30, 2014 at 7:45 // Reply

    You neglected to mention the “caddy shack” poo – the one that causes an evacuation of the public swimming pool.

    • Dadinator wrote on May 30, 2014 at 8:05 // Reply

      That happened to me once…. Not pretty. I saw corn floating in the water and I was filled with dread….

      • 40YrOldDad wrote on May 30, 2014 at 8:21 // Reply

        I tell a lie, this has actually happened to me to. Dadinator’s confession just jogged my memory, it was the corn that did it, lol 🙂 Only it wasn’t a public pool, it was our wading pool out back about 2 minutes after I’d just spent 20 mins filling it…then the next hour and a half emptying and cleaning it all out again. Thanks for reminding me…:(

    • 40YrOldDad wrote on May 30, 2014 at 8:14 // Reply

      Thankfully, we haven’t experienced that pleasure, but now I suddenly have a hankering for a Pollywaffle…

  • Dadinator wrote on May 30, 2014 at 8:06 // Reply

    There’s also the “when did you eat that?” Poo. Its like CSI, but for nappies…..

    • 40YrOldDad wrote on May 30, 2014 at 8:26 // Reply

      I can relate to that personally, Seamus. I know I’ve had several of those myself as an adult…too much information?

  • Rory wrote on May 30, 2014 at 8:54 // Reply

    Fwaahahahah. You did not mention that the ‘incomplete poo’ can sometimes be a catalyst for the ‘I just changed your nappy a minute ago poo. I fall for this one – EVERY SINGLE TIME

    • 40YrOldDad wrote on May 30, 2014 at 10:14 // Reply

      As I said Rory, it’s like they’ve planned it the whole time. Looks like your girls have got your number, mate 😉

  • ron miller wrote on June 19, 2014 at 11:34 // Reply

    Flipping hilarious my not so favorite but oh so real one is number three, oh the clock why must it tick against the poo…

    • 40YrOldDad wrote on June 19, 2014 at 11:48 // Reply

      I know, Ron. The hands of time are really good at giving us the stink-finger. Not happy you’ve experienced it, but pleased you can relate 😉

  • Jessica May Sheffield wrote on July 5, 2014 at 3:17 // Reply

    You haven’t lived until you’ve had to strip and wash off a toddler in a sink, only to realise you need to wash out the back of their hair too…ahhh Naptime explosions, how I don’t miss you in my post-childcare life

    • 40YrOldDad wrote on July 6, 2014 at 12:12 // Reply

      I’ve done the strip-down-in-the-shower and peel ’em like a banana exploding poo rinse off on a few occasions. One of them was without a child… :0

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