As a new parent, friends and family are always quick to inundate you with horrendous poo stories from other parents. We’ve all been warned to expect the ‘Krakatoa’ poo explosion, but there’s a few other poo types I’ve D-scovered along the way that nobody ever warned me about.
So, here’s a list of 5 poos that nobody ever told you about…
1. The ‘Comprehensive’ Poo
Similar to the Krakatoa Poo, except that it’s completely contained within the nappy and comprehensive, because it covers quite a large area and (thankfully), just laps at the edges. Phew…you just dodged a bullet.
2. The ‘I Just Changed Your Nappy A Minute Ago’ Poo
This is when you ‘um’ and ‘ah’ over whether or not to change the nappy because it’s been a while since the last change, but they haven’t had a poo that day. Sure enough, within a minute or two of deciding to change it, there’s a steamy deposit mocking you as you throw your fist at the sky and plead, “Why didn’t you do that a minute ago?!”
3. The ‘So You Think You’re Getting Out The Door On Time’ Poo
The car is packed, the nappy bag sorted, you’ve chased and wrestled for 15 mins to get their shoes on and dressed to go. A look at the clock and you’re bang on time…YES! You strap them into their car seat and that’s when it hits you…NO! That steamy waft and that cherub grin. Like they’ve planned it the whole time. But no need to call ahead, you’ve got a toddler now, nobody expects you to be on time for anything anymore EVER now, anyway.
4. The ‘Incomplete’ Poo
This is the one you find when things are finally starting to firm up. You open the nappy to find a partial log…HALF STICKING OUT! You have to snap it off like a tree branch then dig carefully around for the rest of it.
5. The ‘Pepé Le Pew’ Poo
This is a runny, smelly explosion that not only fills the entire nappy, it also leaves a gruesome faecal stripe right up their back. Removal of such a poo is not for the light of stomach as a putrid wrenching stench often accompanies it. Your best plan of attack, is to strip yourself naked, escort your baby with you to the shower and hose each other down as you peel the baby’s clothes off like a rotted banana. Burning of such garments are optional.
**WARNING: The stench from the Pepé Le Pew can be so noxious you may be required to move house or even postcodes.
I hope that sheds some light on what to expect when you’re expecting…“number two’s” from your little one.
This has been a Friday Five Funny from The 40YrOldDad