CH-CH-CH-CHANGES

  • AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: 3rd Trimester, Body Functions, Thoughts

    4 Comments

    Week 37 which means our schnitzel is officially classified as FULL TERM. So, if he were to pop out into the world right now, he’d be fully formed and functioning. Two words that are ever rarely associated with my brain, especially at the ripe old middle-age of 2191.3 weeks!

    And even though our son is due in 3 weeks time, the reality is…like a train without a timetable or a teenage boy losing his virginity…he could “arrive” at any moment!!

    And it will change our lives FOREVER!

    And as a new dad-to-be, you gotta get used to that word…

    “CHANGE”

    Because they’re coming thick’n’fast, whether you’re ready for them or not.  As these music artists so readily point out:

    Change The World by Eric Clapton. Chill Out, Things Gonna Change by John Lee Hooker. Change My Way Of Living by The Allman Brothers Band. Changes by David Bowie. Winds Of Change by Jefferson Starship. I Know I’ve Been Changed by John Hammond Jr. There’s Gotta Be A Change by Jonny Lang. Victim Of Changes by Judas Priest. Change It by Stevie Ray Vaughan. Perpetual Change by Yes.

    When my love first announced she was pregnant, I was fully expecting some changes, however, I wasn’t fully prepared for just how BIG those changes would get. Especially when it comes to the size of her belly…Wow!

    It’s like, if my wife was a supermarket, her belly would be Costco.

    My wife’s pregnant belly is so big, Buzz Aldrin walked on it.

    She’s like a rolling boulder. When I get caught between her and the bathroom, I’m like Indiana Jones running for my life!

    When her belly moves, it’s like the shifting of a continental plate. But instead of the San Andreas Fault, it’s apparently…all my fault.

    She’s huge, I’m not kidding. She’s currently bigger than One Direction.

    And we still have three weeks to go! At this point, I’m worried she’ll have a bigger opening than The Avengers.

    And being pregnant also changes things in the bedroom, too. And if you’ve ever had sex with a pregnant woman, then you’ll know…

    Having sex during pregnancy is a lot like phone sex. There’s lots of heavy breathing, you have to do most of the work yourself and you can’t always see the person you’re having sex with.

    It’s like a field mouse climbing a bowling ball.

    Talk about a stretch. It’s like finding a knot-hole in a giant Redwood.

    But it can be quite scenic, too. Like driving over the crest of a hill…with mountains off in the distance.

    And single lads should know, intimacy during pregnancy is like sex with a prostitute. You can’t kiss and have penetrationat the same time!

    But change is inevitable. Change is expected…and change is good. And in a few weeks time, change will no doubt be necessary, washable and disposable. Day after day after day after day….

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COMMENTS

4 Responses to Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

  • Barry Parham wrote on June 4, 2012 at 9:37 // Reply

    “Buzz Aldrin…’ — GREAT line!

    • JPBechtold wrote on June 4, 2012 at 10:22 // Reply

      If you need to pick an astronaut, it’s hard to go past Buzz.

  • Ma wrote on June 11, 2012 at 11:09 // Reply

    Do you run these musings by your wife before
    you put it out there…..is she ok with you revealing
    life in the pregnant sex lane????? 🙂

  • Jasmine wrote on June 11, 2012 at 9:17 // Reply

    Yeah changes are on the way!!!!

    Those peaceful all night sleeps, a neat tidy house, wiggles in the car DVD, trading in your favourite TV shows, quiet evening dinners together and visiting the toilet on your own!!

    But as the saying goes CHANGE is good. Takes you away from the same and the boring!!

    And then that CHANGE is the NORM.

    When you finely get a chance to sleep all night, you wake 5 times. You use the excuse to play, instead clean the house. When you finely get chance to change the CD, you no longer know the new songs on the radio. You continue to watch playschool even when your monkey is not there. All you talk about over a romantic dinner out is your little monkey and then when you have the oppurtunity to visit the toilet alone you leave the door open, becouse you are so used to sharing your space.

    So enjoy your moment 🙂

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